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Is it possible to live together after a break-up?

Published by Serolynne on January 5, 2008 in Relationship Advice. 1 Comment

Dear Serolynne:

My boyfriend and I recently broke up after living together for 3 years. We broke up fairly mutually after realizing we just simply have different life goals, and we’re hoping continue to be on friendly terms with each other. As we have a lease on our apartment for another 8 months, we’re considering continuing to live together. Do you think this is a workable situation?

Wants to Make it Work

Dear Wants:

Congratulations on breaking up in what appears to be a healthy and mature way. Maintaining a friendship with an ex can be a very special thing. You certainly won’t be the first to be able to successfully live together after a break up. That you consider the break-up to have been fairly mutual, and you’re on friendly terms is a good sign that you’ll at least be able to make the best of the next eight months.

Some things to consider to make this work:

- Work out the terms of living together with your ex, trying to do so from the point of view that you are now roommates, not domestic partners. This might take a bit of a mental shift after several years of living together otherwise. There are probably things about living with someone that are more tolerable when they’re your lover than when they’re your roommate - such as how often the dishes are done, who takes out the trash, clutter and tidiness, how often guests come over, etc.

- If your apartment has a layout that supports it, considering dividing up your living space with more separation than you might have had previously. Separate bedrooms and bathrooms can go a long way to making the situation feel more like roommates.

- Reconsider any financial entanglements you might have - such as the way you split living expenses like groceries and dining out. It’s little things like this that can help make the necessary mental shift to go from lovers to people sharing space. You may find you don’t actually need to make any changes, but the process alone of going through everything together can really help.

- Consider if either of you will start dating while you’re still living together, and what the rules will be around that. While the thought of your ex dating others may only be slightly disconcerting, waking up in the morning to your ex’s latest date in the kitchen in his bathrobe may be an entirely different story.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

How do I meet people on dating sites?

Published by Serolynne on January 2, 2008 in Relationship Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne:

 I’m a great single guy, with a lot to offer. I’d really like to find someone to date and potentially have a life long relationship with. I hate the bar scene and don’t have a lot of free time for that sort of stuff anyway. I’ve been trying some online dating sites, and I’m not having much luck having women respond to my e-mails.  Are there any tips for how to get noticed on a dating site? I know there are probably hundreds of guys for every woman on these sites. 

 Thanks,
Looking for Love Online

Dear Looking Online:

You’re right, there are lots of guys out there looking for relationships online. And there are a lot of women too.  Unfortunately, I think a lot of people don’t know how to effectively use online tools to meet people. I know personally, I’ve had great luck meeting people online.  Here are some tips to online dating, from a woman’s perspective:

1) Have a great profile that says a lot about who you are. Pay attention to grammar and spelling. Don’t USE ALL CAPS or all lower case.  Express who you are - what you do for work, some of your hobbies and interests or some unique things you’ve done in your life.  What inspires you? What do you want to accomplish in life? And what type of relationships are you open to?  Your profile doesn’t need to be a full length essay, but it also shouldn’t be short and generic. I tend to pass over guys who have profiles that simply say something like ‘I’m a great guy, I don’t know how to write about myself - so drop me a line if you want to get to know me.’    I highly recommend letting some of your friends read your profile and give you feedback to make sure it’s reflecting what they see in you too.

2)  When you make a first contact to someone on a dating site, make sure your message doesn’t read like a form letter.  I know that I, and many of my women friends, get mail boxes full of very generic e-mails that say  nothing about why this person has selected me to write to (other than ‘you’re pretty’ or some other such generic response).  I recommend a 3 paragraph approach..

First paragraph should start out with something about the person’s profile that struck your interest (’Hi.. I see you like skydiving, that’s something I’ve always wanted to try!’), and then expand on other things about the profile and person that you liked.  If the profile was well written, witty, insightful, etc. -  then say so.   I would generally avoid including too much about things you physically liked about the person (’You’ve got a great body’ or ‘I love red heads’).  Most women want to be noticed for who they are, not how they look or how they meet some physical ideal you have.

The second paragraph should introduce yourself a bit and be a quick synopsis of your profile - career, hobbies, interests, etc. It’s a good idea to include things that you think the other person might appreciate about you as well.  (’Like you, I’ve also done a great deal of travel.’)

The third paragraph should include a bit about what you’re looking for and why you’ve contacted this person.  Friendship? Dating? Sexual encounter? Potential wife?   Encourage them to read your profile for more information about you, and ask for a reply if they’d like to communicate further.

3)  Avoid sounding desperate.  Desperation is a very unattractive trait.

4) Do not offer your phone number or alternate contact information until you’ve corresponded a couple of times and have a pretty clear indication that this person is interested in communicating outside of the site. Sending your contact information in the first reply or two can come off as pushy.

5) Some of my male friends tell me that some of the best online contacts they’ve had are when the woman contacts them!  They simply concentrate on keeping a great profile up, and then having quality communication when women reach out to them.  Some other guys I know just can’t get accept a women making the first move - I encourage men to get past this, and be open to it.   And I encourage women on dating sites to be pro-active and contact men who strike their interest.  It helps balance the online dating playing field a bit, and encourages the interesting men to stick around and keep trying.

Best wishes in your online search.. don’t give up!

- Serolynne

Husband in sexless marriage contemplates cheating

Published by Serolynne on December 30, 2007 in Relationship Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne:

I am married, and we have a 3 year old. The sex has gone down to almost none since he was born. Don’t get me wrong I love them to death, but guys as you should know have needs. I’m considering having a discreet outside lover to take care of those sexual needs, what do you think?

- Going Crazy

Dear Going Crazy:

I sympathize with your situation .. and I hear about it far too often.

Perhaps you and your wife need to be making more time for you as a couple. I can’t imagine it being a great environment to raise a child in a household where the parents aren’t connecting and loving with each other. No sex for three years is not indicative of a healthy loving partnership, and that attitude can result in sending really warped messages about what love is to your child as he grows up. Not to mention, it’s got to be creating unnecessary stress between you and your wife.

Some ideas to help get the spark back before you loose the love you had that helped create your child:

  • Get a babysitter for the weekend, take your wife on a romantic get away focused on just the two of you.
  • Make time for each other on a regular basis.. plan date nights where you don’t talk about the job, the kid or the mortgage/
  • Leave each other naughty notes in your lunch boxes, sneak teasing photos of each other into your sock drawer.
  • Do something for her: a silly strip tease for her to her favorite sultry song, wrap a blindfold around her eyes in the kitchen and lead her to a surprise in the bedroom, draw her a warm bubbly bath and give her a massage, read her an erotic story by candlelight
  • Cook her dinner AND do the dishes
  • Take the kid for an afternoon/night and get her an appointment at the spa to pamper her.. help her feel like the sexy woman you married and created a child with, instead of just being a mom.

Women have sexual needs too, ya know - heck, most women I know have far higher sex drives than men. Have you ever questioned where she’s getting hers met at?

Having outside casual sexual encounters isn’t going to fix anything in your relationship with your wife, and in fact will likely cause more troubles than it’s worth (what about when - not if - she finds out? What if you expose yourself to a STD and when you do have sex with her again, you pass it to her?). Are you really willing to risk your relationship, future custody of your son (you’d probably loose a lot of your rights by being the cheater in the divorce) and/or the health of your wife? Get that spark back and find fulfillment in each other.. and if you can’t, seek marital counseling. And if you do find that spark again, and you both want to open your relationship up to others - then do it in conscious ways supporting each other the whole way.

- Serolynne

Fear of spreading warts keeps young man single

Published by Serolynne on December 28, 2007 in Safer Sex Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne,

I have recently come across your website, while getting some information on HPV. I’m a 24 yeas old male, and I was diagnosed with genital warts and had them frozen off and all was fine, however I was pretty upset about it.

When I got to the clinic I was relieved, not only where the doctors and nurses fantastic but they made the whole thing calm down in my head. They said that condoms do not protect you fully against HPV and the only protection was to not have sex, but said not to worry and once the warts where removed to continue with sex normally. I got some cream to apply, and after 3 or 4 days I found the warts had gone.

This all happened over about 2 years, and I had 1 partner during this time, and we tried to be safe as possible.

However that relationship ended, and even though I havent had a relapse I am now emotionally torn. I cant be in a relationship, I havent told anyone close to me about it (except my ex), and now I just dont see how I can have a normal healthy relationship. I am trying, or more forcing myself to come to the conclusion that I will need to be single for the rest of my life, and I know this is silly, but I dont want to do to a girl what you have been through.

I want to thank you for your story and information, it does help to read such open and honest information.

Regards,
Concerned 

Dear Concerned:

Thanks for sharing your story as well.

However, I don’t think you need to worry at all about ‘putting a girl through what I went through.’ The strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer and abnormal PAPs are NOT the same strains that you had that caused warts.

Warts are annoying little beasts for sure.. but they aren’t really a huge medical concern and won’t threaten your life or your partner’s. At worst, a girl you date might get warts (although, unlikely, given you haven’t had a relapse in a long while.. and that only 9% of people exposed to HPV ever get symptoms anyway). And at worst, she uses cream and might have them taken off like you did. They’d probably be external, and they won’t be a serious threat to her health.

The HPV strands to worry about for women are the ‘high risk’ ones that infect the cervix subclinically.. they’re the ones that can lead to cervical cancer if not treated. And you don’t have evidence of having one of those strains. (And if you did, you likely wouldn’t know it unless you had a partner come back with an abnormal PAP.)

So.. go live life. Don’t let silly little warts hold ya down. Life is too short as is and you’re young.. and there are too many things that really can threaten your life to worry about. Embrace love and sex (just pre-disclose your history.. as anyone should before having sex.. you’ll find you’re not that uncommon at all.. 80% of people you encounter have been exposed to HPV) when you can. And, encourage your future partners to look into getting the HPV Vaccine, which will help protect them against the most common strains of HPV, including possibly even the one you dealt with.

Have fun out there.

- Serolynne

Disclosure: I am not a medical professional, and the above should not be taken as medical advice. I’m simply a HPV patient myself who has done her homework and is sharing her personal opinion.

Handling Jealous Triggers

Published by Serolynne on December 26, 2007 in Relationship Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne,

I came across your contact info when browsing the website on how to positively tackle jealous emotion in an individual. It’s a pretty enlightening write up you got there and I do hope to put them in practice with favorable results.

Could you possibly advise how best to react or handle when examples of below situation triggers the jealousy in you !

a) Your partner receiving a text message at ungodly hour (4.00AM) from not even a friend, rather a mere acquaintance over an unimportant issue. The point is I don’t see the rationale why he should even bother replying to a nobody when he is already in a committed relationship.

b) Your partner making a trip to places where it’s a man’s haven (e.g. Thailand) and it’s meant to be a guys outing only. Of course being in the shoes of his other half, a woman can’t help feeling insecure and entertaining thoughts of unwanted temptations he will face there. And when he returns and relate the story on his all guys outing, he actually honestly confessed to you that a half naked dancer actually came over to him and got cosy over him!

So, Serolynne, how would you have responded to your partner given such situations?

Cheers,

Jealous Partner

Dear Jealous Partner:

My partner and I are polyamorous, so my personal responses may not be the best way for you to handle these particular situations. All of these situations would be normal parts of our relationship and would not cause concern for us, but rather opportunities to share with each other. We’d talk openly and honestly about them, so that there are no secrets and we completely understood what the other is up to.

As far as issue A.. if it’s a nobody.. why would it even be a threat to a committed relationship? Hopefully this partner is allowed to have friends outside the relationship without it being threatening? Even in monogamy, that would an unhealthy situation (to not be able to have friends and acquaintances). In my and my partner’s case.. we receive text messages, e-mails, etc. from strangers, acquaintances, friends and other lovers. It’s no big deal at all as we encourage each other to keep in touch with others we care about.. and we share with each other about the conversations we’re having.

In issue B.. this exact scenario hasn’t come up. But I completely trust my partner to know and respect the sexual boundaries we’ve negotiated with others and not cross them. In our relationship, snuggling with others is not an issue.. nor would kissing, making out or sharing heavy petting. Just let the other know and share the fun stories afterwards. And if either of us were to cross our boundaries, that would a legitimate issue to deal with. A dancer getting cozy with my partner? There’s nothing to be jealous of there.. she’s a professional and no threat at all to our relationship (just perhaps our bank account). I’d laugh with my partner at the scene and share in the joy and hoped he enjoyed the experience.

I’d say if your partner is being honest with you about what happened, count yourself blessed to have someone who cares enough about you to share and is willing to go the extra mile to risk facing your reactions. It may not always be the most pleasant news to hear, but would you rather he didn’t share with you and you found out later from one of his friends? Thank him for sharing with you, use the opportunity to discuss your feelings and reactions to it so he better understands what your triggers are and encourage future sharing and communication.

- Serolynne

Flirting on a poly date

Published by Serolynne on December 23, 2007 in Polyamory Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne:

Last evening I was on a date with a new guy I’ve been seeing. I’ve been exploring polyamory for a couple of years, and he’s relatively new to it. The date was at a concert, in which some other friends of mine attended, who are also polyamorous. Throughout the evening, some of the other poly women friends of mine where hitting on my date.. right in front of me! Isn’t this rude? Am I right to be upset over this?

Thanks,

Jealous Date

Dear Jealous Date:

Just because one identifies as polyamorous, does not mean they are fair game for flirting. And while your friends may have been crossing the line a bit to flirt with your date without checking in with you first to see if it was ok - I do want to point out that flirting is a two way street. Your friends would not have kept flirting with your date if he was not receptive and responding to it. So please don’t put all of the blame on your friends in this case - your date had every opportunity to acknowledge the attention in a way that did not encourage more of it .

Some setting of intentions before the date probably would have gone a long way to setting the expectations properly. I recommend on future dates to discuss beforehand if the date is to be focused on each other, or if flirting with others you might be encountering is acceptable. A useful tool is to also set a signal of some sort that either of you can trigger if things get uncomfortable so that you can gracefully refocus the attention back on each other. For instance, squeezing the shoulder might indicate that you’re uncomfortable and would appreciate that whatever conversation your date is involved in be brought to a close and the focus back to you. I’ve often found that just setting these intentions of being my date’s priority for the night/event is usually enough to alleviate any uncomfortable moments, and I don’t actually have to instigate a shoulder squeeze.

And of course, if you really do want the date to be focused on just you and your date - go somewhere where you won’t be socializing with your friends.

- Serolynne

Welcome to Ask Serolynne

Published by Serolynne on December 21, 2007 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Over the years, I’ve been asked for advice on a variety of topics. Here you will find a collection of those questions and my advice to them.

If you have a question, please write me at cherie@serolynne.com . I never reveal any personally identifiable information in my public responses.

Feel free to ask for advice on polyamory, relationships, sex, safer sex, technology, running a small business, being childfree by choice, travel, etc..