Dear Serolynne:
My partner and I have been theoretically polyamorous for several years now, and while neither of us has had much sexual exploration outside of our own relationship - we have both been dating over the years. I’ve now been involved with another woman for several months whom my partner knows, respects and seems to adore. I really love this woman, and we’re both reaching a point where we’re ready to explore our sexual connection more fully.
My partner says she is open to my girlfriend and I becoming more sexual, but isn’t quite ready to take that next step in opening up our relationship. We’ve all updated our STD testing, have shared our sexual histories and gotten to know each other partner’s rather well. All of the typical stop holds for concerns for moving forward sexually have been addressed, but yet my partner is not yet ready. I totally respect her comfort levels, but I am also growing frustrating awaiting her to decide she’s ready. Right now, my girlfriend and I have left it that we’re waiting for my partner to tell us she’s ready.
Any advice on how we can handle this?
- Anxious awaiting
Dear Anxiously awaiting -
The first time of having your partner enter into a fully sexual relationship with someone else can be a big step, and it seems you’re doing the right things in moving at a speed that is respectful to all.
From what I’m reading, it sounds like that biggest frustration on your part is not necessarily that you’re not having a full sexual relationship with your girlfriend, but rather that there’s no timeline for your partner giving her go ahead? If that’s correct, here’s a compromise that may serve you all better.
Ask your partner to work with you to come up with a series of dates in which you’ll agree to directly check-in on this subject. Right now, you’re basically waiting for her to bring it up when she’s ready. This doesn’t give her a timeline in which to put effort towards exploring her own trepidations, and leaves you and your girlfriend a bit hanging. If you have dates in which you’ve both agreed to re-explore the subject, this lets you let your guard down knowing that the issue will be discussed, and your partner can’t just put the subject off (which is easy to do with subject matter that might be scary). Note that this is not telling her that she must make a decision by a certain date, just that you’re agreeing to keep it as an open topic that you’re both actively giving consideration to.
I wish you the best,
- Serolynne