Dear Serolynne,
I am in a long distance relationship and we have been dating for a while but we have yet to have sex. He recently told me that a few months prior to “us” he was infected with HSV. I am sexually attracted to him but I fear the risk of me being infected as well. I really do like him but don’t know if it is worth the risk of me getting HSV. He says he hasn’t had an outbreak since January and keeps assuring me that I will be fine but I’m scared of the possibility I won’t be. I don’t like to judge a person for their past but his past can potentially be my future. I can’t seem to find the words to tell him how I feel about this matter without hurting his feelings or making him feel bad. Since he told me he has HSV I feel different towards him and part of me doesn’t want anything to do with him. The other part of me feels he is a great person and wants to continue this relationship with him. I commend and thank him for telling me and giving me the opportunity to choose for myself, but I am still terrified. If I do decide to stay with him what are some precautions that I can take? Do you think it is worth me risking my health for him? How do I tell him how I feel without him feeling like I’m judging him? I need helping on handling this situation and I appreciate any insights you have. Thanks!
Signed,
Scared and Confused
Dear Scared and Confused:
HSV is one of those STDs that is very easily transmittable despite using barriers (condoms, dental dams, gloves) and can be spread even if there is not an active outbreak. So, there are decent odds that you could become infected as well. Is your potential lover on any sort of treatment for his HSV outbreaks? How many outbreaks has he had? When was his first outbreak? How aware is he of his own symptoms of an outbreak coming on (many folks with HSV know days before they start actively shedding). These are all potential questions to ask him so you have more information to go on to make an informed decision.
I’d recommend doing some heavy research on HSV before making your decision. Know what your risks are of actually having HSV be a problem for you - many many many people have HSV, but relatively few ever have outbreaks or more than one outbreak. Do you have an otherwise compromised immune system?
The fact of the matter is, at least this guys knows he has HSV and can take preventative measures to help prevent you getting it. He sounds pretty responsible to be telling you about it. You can do hand-to-genital play, for instance - instead of full on PIV intercourse until you feel more comfortable with him, HSV and the relationship. Most people assume that since they haven’t had an outbreak, that they don’t have it - when in fact, they might just be carriers. So you carry a pretty high chance of coming in contact with HSV in the general population.
If you think this guy has a strong potential to be a big part of your life - then consider how much the risk matters to you? HSV is not life threatening and more of an annoyance (in comparison with other STDs, like HIV). However, it is considered a lifelong infection. So, you will always need to disclose to future partners that you might be a carrier as a result of being sexual with him. So, that’s something only you can determine if it’s worth the risk or not, and what this guy’s potential is in your life longer term.
Best wishes,
- Serolynne
Dear readers -
Sorry for the delay in posting to Ask Serolynne. I’ve been focused on getting my life back on the road to technomadism. I should have more available time to answer questions about relationships, polyamory, sex, STDs and conscious living now. Thanks! - Serolynne