Dear Serolynne:
Hello, I was thrilled to come across your website. It made my day. I have recently been asked to join a couple in Polyamory. (I hope I used that word correctly.) Being with this couple is so familiar yet I have never done this before. The same feeling happened when I visited your website. It was quick and it was in my face, Bam. My heart skipped a beat. You look so happy, so alive and still rising In life. I feel that way when I’m with my couple. My wife would never hear of this relationship. Should I live in fear or regret or maybe this could be the one that works. We love each other and the lady has asked me to handfast with her and her husband is so so happy about this. It’s so beautiful and I don’t want to miss my chance to truly experience life by opening up my heart to what may come. Or, am I just crazy ?
Yours truly,
Bob
Dear Bob..
Unless you have a pre-existing agreement with your wife that you are open to see other people, what you are doing is definitely not polyamory. And seeing as you say your wife would not hear of such a relationship, I am guessing your marriage is not built on a polyamorous foundation. And if you do have any sort of agreement to see other people, I am guessing that it is one of ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’,and I would not presume that it was intended to include relationships as serious as handfasting with other people.
What it sounds like to me is that you are having is an affair. You are cheating. Yes, I understand it feels good and familiar and right, but it is not. Absolutely, under no circumstances, should you continue on with this couple until you have resolved things with your wife. Does this couple even know you’re married? If so, then why would they ask you to handfast with them knowing you are already committed to someone else, and she does not know and support your potential handfasting?
Either bring openness and honesty into your relationships - specifically with your wife, or proceed with the divorce you know you need to do so that you can move on with the life you want. Tell the couple you need to get your life in order before you can see them again, and then go get your life in order. Do not expect it to come together quickly. Bringing polyamory into your marriage, especially after you have been cheating, is a long and complicated road, and it may take years and lots of therapy. And you well know your own entanglements that would need to be undone should divorce be the answer.
You owe it to your wife and the commitment you made to her. You owe it to the couple, and the commitments you are feeling called to make to them. And most of all, you owe it to yourself to create the life that brings you happiness.
- Serolynne
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