Dear Serolynne:
My husband and I are in a polyamorous relationship. About a year ago, he started dating a woman and fell really in love with her. However, she exhibited some personality traits I was not comfortable with and he and she agreed to back off of the relationship. He and I were having some other relationship issues, so this was supposed to give us a chance to work on our own relationship. However, he still kept quite in contact with her - exchanging hot chats, kisses when they saw each other and expressing their love for one another. Basically, they were in limbo between being broken up and being in relationship.
I had suggested that they resume dating, and I would be willing to work through my emotions. However, they insisted on not doing so.
About a month ago, I discovered that they have been doing small things behind my back. There was a night of stolen kisses, long chats (where they removed the chat logs) and lots of text messages on their phones. They were intentionally hiding these things from me, despite my previous willingness to support their relationship. I just don’t understand why they would feel the need to sneak behind my back when they had my permission?
Thanks,
- Cheated on
Dear Cheated On:
Despite popular assumption, it’s still entirely possible to cheat while in a polyamorous relationship. And while your husband may not have technically cheated, it certainly sounds like things were bordering on a full blown affair.
There’s some speculation that human’s have a natural tendency to cheat and lie, but I’m not sure I entirely buy into it. Your husband may have some past relationship experiences that may show a pattern of intentionally sabatoging relationships. If so, counseling will probably be his best bet at helping break those patterns.
However, you may be dealing with someone who may not only have a tendency to sabatoge relationships, but also someone dealing with some very intense limerence. Limerence goes beyond the emotion of love. It’s those initial months to years of a relationship that can leave your stomach with butterflies and colors our perception of reality. It can also be unhealthy if not kept in check, and can lead to situations like what you find yourself in.
And the ironic part? Trying to stop it only feeds it. I suspect that in the process of your expressing your discomfort with the relationship, your husband has allowed that to serve as a barrier to building the relationship (despite your urging for them continue dating). To limerence, it is more exciting to have obstacles and challenges, so them being on the sly adds to the romance and energy. Very dangerous stuff in a polyamours context. And honestly, I don’t think there’s a thing you could have done differently to try to circumvent this - you gave them opportunity to resume, which would have been my advice for working through limerence.
Best wishes on the months ahead of you,
- Serolynne
Good advice. I agree that it sounds like limerence is playing a big role in this. I’d add that some poly people will avoid being direct even when invited to be because they don’t feel safe being honest. They fear that though their partner is encouraging them to do what they desire, there is still potential for stressful drama down the road. So I’d advise Cheated On to examine this issue closely and to try to control reactions so as to make it safe for their partner to be honest.
Sometimes poly cheaters feel they need to protect the existing partner and choose the “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” route. To them it appears easier on everyone.
Not sayin’ this is the way it should be done, only that this is how people sometimes behave.