Ask Serolynne - Advice on Relationships, Polyamory, Sex, STDs and Conscious Living

Dear Serolynne:

My husband and I have been swingers for a long while, although we typically tend to only become sexual with people we’ve established some sort of friendship with. However, in the past year or so we’ve pretty much been only swinging with one particular couple. They’re great people, and we enjoy doing so many things with them - movies, BBQs, hanging out as well as the sex. We’ve even found ourselves comfortable swapping partners with them even if not all of us are in the same room, which is a first for us.

I’ve recently found the term polyamory when searching around for information on having multiple long term partners, and I’m wondering - does the term apply to our situation?

Thanks,
Are we Poly?

Dear Are we Poly?

I think the most important thing is that all four of you are comfortable with the situation, and know what the expectations are and aren’t. There are a few things the can be distinguishing marks between polyamory and swinging, but there is a heck of a lot of grey area inbetween.

Some of the distinguishing characterteristics are:

• Sex vs Relationships: In polyamory, you open yourself up to falling in LOVE with more than one person at a time. In swing, that’s usually pretty threatening to the core couple. Swing is generally more about recreational sex and polyamory is more about loving relationships. In swinging, friendship is usually the deepest emotional connection that a couple allows with others (and that isn’t a requirement for all swingers). Polyamory usually involves deeply emotional connections (love) with multiple people, and sex can (and usually is) an integral part of those relationships. So the question to ask yourself here.. are you open to loving them beyond friendship?
• Monogamy vs. Non-monogamy: Swinging, in many ways is still monogamously based. Swinging is viewed as safe and non-threatening to the couple’s emotionally monogamous relationship. Polyamory usually isn’t approached from a couple-centric place. While couples may both date (even date the same person)… the relationships are viewed as individual relationships. In polyamory, you’re much more an individual than identified with your relationship structure. Would you comfortable if not only your husband had sex with the other women, but would you be ok with them going out on a romantic date on their own?
• Discreet vs. “Out”: Swinging is usually a discreet activity that a couple does on the weekends - whereas polyamorous relationship are part of every day life, and not an activity done from time to time. Some questions that might help you clarify include: Do you want to introduce your couple to your other friends and family? Do have a desire to include them in major life events (weddings, funerals, company picnics, etc.)? Would you be there for them if they had a major crisis? Do you desire putting a photo of them on your desk at work?

You will probably find that there may not be clear answers to all of the above, and that you are currently somewhere in the grey zone. And in the end, it really doesn’t matter what you call it - as long as everyone is having fun, is comfortable, is on the same page and is enjoying themselves. There’s no one handing out poly cards, afterall. And one is not better than the other.

- Serolynne