Ask Serolynne - Advice on Relationships, Polyamory, Sex, STDs and Conscious Living

Dear Serolynne:

After doing a lot of research and soul searching, I’ve decided that I’m polyamorous by nature and am ready to embrace that. Now what? How do I find people do date?  Is it best to date other people who are polyamorous, or to just date ‘normal’ people and hope they’ll be ok with it?

Thanks,
- New to Poly

Dear New to Poly,

Congratulations on taking the time to figure out if polyamory is for you before getting involved with people.  As a general rule of thumb, it tends to be easiest to date other folks who are already inclined towards non-monogamous relationship models. But, that’s not to say that you won’t find some people who are open to the idea but just haven’t been exposed to it being a feasible path. And, even if you did find people who identify as polyamorous already, that’s not to say that they will be wanting to practice it in the same ways you might.  With any relationship, you’ll still have to figure things out and find what works for all involved.

As far as some ways of finding folks who may be more inclined towards polyamory than others, try these tips:

• Some online dating sites are open to polyamory. They include:
  • OkCupid (which is free)
  • PlentyofFish (also free)
  • PolyMatchMaker
• Finding your local polyamory discussion, social and/or support group - google for ‘polyamory’ and nearby large cities to you to find them. Check out YahooGroups, GoogleGroups and Meetup.com to see if there are groups near you. Interacting with others in your area who are exploring polyamory is a great way to make new friends, meet others on similar paths and even potentially find people to date. Just a word of caution - don’t join group with only the intention of dating people in it.
• Attend regional and national polyamory conferences. All throughout the year there are gatherings of polyamorous folks in major cities for weekend long conferences and retreats. Some are casual campouts, others are larger scale hotel based conferences. These are great opportunities to learn more about polyamory and meet others walking this path.
• Do the things you love doing. As with dating in general, you are more likely to find people you have common interests with by doing the things you enjoy doing. Just be upfront that you’re polyamorous before things get too serious if you find people you want to date.
• Be as ‘out’ as you can about being polyamorous.  Since not everyone can be out - whether it be job or family concerns, the more out you are the more likely people who are interested in polyamory will come to you. Include polyamory as a keyword on any online profiles you have, let friends know that you’re poly and dating, etc.  You don’t have to wear the t-shirt, but include it as a casual part about you as you would anything else.

Best wishes on your dating path,
- Serolynne