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Archive for February, 2009

Where did I go wrong, and how do I fix it?

Published by Serolynne on February 23, 2009 in Polyamory Advice. Closed

Dear Serolynne

I am a 39 yr old professional straight guy. I have two kids and an ex-wife. We ended up in a divorce a year and a half ago due to a variety of reasons including me outgrowing her and different social viewpoints.  We were able to get back on friendly terms, and for the well being of our kids, decided to move our family back together again in one house - with us being co-parents.

While we were divorced, I stumbled across a local Polyamory group and have realized that I am polyamorous in my approach to life. I also started seeing another women who I’ve quite come to adore and love.   And then my ex-wife and I started becoming more loving towards each other - and have even started sharing a bedroom again.  I do love her.  I recently tried explaining to her that I am polyamorous and would like for her to know that I can love more than one person including her.  My girlfriend knows about my ex-wife and I, however, my ex-wife does not know about my girlfriend as she refuses to listen to me and says that she wants me to be hers only.

She even threatens to make my life a misery if she finds out that I have another love in my life. I currently have to meet my girlfriend discreetly for fear of my ex-wife finding out. To me this cheating and I don’t know how to correct the situation. I would really like to be honest to my ex-wife if only I could make my ex-wife understand how I feel deep inside and let her know that I will always love her as we share conversation,emotions, two growing kids, a house, cars, food, bedroom and my finances.

What have I done wrong and how can I correct it??

Regards,
Unhappy

Dear Unhappy,

So, where you could averted a lot of this is at the point when your wife switched from being a housemate to being a lover again.  You were already involved with your girlfriend, and you should have told your ex-wife about  her *before* you invited her back into your bedroom.   At this point, you could have let her know of the change in your life, how you’ve come to appreciate her again and value her.  It would have brought her into the process as a partner in this situation, and would have been the most ethical and honest way to handle things.

However, since you did not and allowed her to move back into the role of wife/partner in your life with no other information to the contrary - you essentially gave her the impression that you were entering back into a monogamous partnership with her again.  So it is completely understandable that she is now upset you’ve been considering polyamory.

As you are currently seeing your girlfriend discreetly behind your ex-wives back and against her known wishes - you are correct in your feeling that it is cheating and unethical.

I think the question you need ask yourself right now is..  what is your priority right now?

1) Rebuilding your family with your ex-wife:

What I’d recommend is that you quit seeing your girlfriend .. for now. While it’s unfair to your girlfriend, as she started seeing you while you were available - you have chosen to re-explore things with your ex-wife, life partner, mother of your children, etc.   If bringing your family back together again in a healthy way is important to you - then, it seems this is where your focus should be.  Trying to switch your relationship model over to polyamory at the same time may be too much to handle all at once.

However, I would highly recommend that in rebuilding your life with your ex-wife, that you specifically talk about polyamory and how you want to include it in your life together.. eventually.  You need to let her know about your girlfriend and that you are willing to put your relationship with your girlfriend on hold while you focus on her - be very upfront about having been seeing your girlfriend however.  Start things off with as much openness and honesty as possible, and build the trust and partnership together that you will need to make polyamory successful. You have a lot of trust rebuilding to accomplish here, and a family to focus on.   Don’t expect it to come quickly or easily.

While you technically could give your ex-wife an ultimatum of ‘If you want me, you have to accept that I have a girlfriend and I’m poly’ - I think you’re smart enough to know that this won’t be healthy long term, will lead to resentments and isn’t empowering your ex-wife to express herself, her concerns and be a partner with you on this exploration.   It is however, entirely within the realm of reason to not accept a partnership with your ex-wife unless she acknowledges your poly nature, and get her agreement to keep it as an active discussion in your relationship.  It is also reasonable to  agree to  focus on each other and the family for a time period (6 months, a year.. whatever makes sense), at which time - you want to start actively exploring poly.

I know that when you’ve just discovered poly, that it’s exciting and freeing and you just want to get out there and explore it. However, this is in direct conflict of the reality of your life.

If your ex-wife is not open to polamory at all with this approach, then you have a tough decision to make if you want to continue your romantic/life partnership relationship with your ex-wife - she may simply not be the partner for you in exploring poly. Or if your family is more important and you will have to consider putting poly on hold indefinitely.

2) Exploring Polyamory

If polyamory is more important to you.. I think you know that trying to force it on your ex-wife like you have been is not going to be a smooth path.  Transitioning a formerly mono relationship to poly takes time, practice, trust and a very stable foundation.   And your relationship with your ex-wife certainly does not sound like it’s at that point.  And adding in this element of seeing your girlfriend discreetly certainly adds complexity to the situation.

If you’re not willing to do the work with your ex-wife, or she is unwilling to even consider it - it may be time to set things straight with your ex-wife going forward. I’ve known of many couples raising kids and sharing households who go this route.. and are successful with it.  And sometimes, even in time, they come back together as life/romantic partners.   So, it can be done to be a co-parent and housemate with your ex-wife and explore poly - but those must be boundaries that you and your ex-wife come together to set.  It will take you both agreeing that what you want out of life and romantic relationship are very different and incompatible right now .. and it’s best to honor that to keep harmony in the household and family.   It won’t be easy, especially since there are genuine loving feelings between you.  Just keep in mind..  love is not enough.

Or it may be that you and your wife need to on your own for a while in separate households.

I hope this has given you some things to think about.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Privacy Concerns with Sharing Sexual History

Published by Serolynne on February 15, 2009 in Polyamory Advice and Safer Sex Advice. Closed

Dear Serolynne:

I’m curious about your thoughts regarding the privacy issues involved in sharing the names of previous partners. I can imagine in certain circumstances (especially if people are in the closet at work or something) that past or even current partners might prefer that you didn’t share their names with others. Do you list them by name, or is it more like “bisexual male” or something?

Signed,
-  Privacy Concerned

Dear Privacy Concerned:

I would say that since you’re only sharing the information with people you’re involved with or are considering a sexual relationship with, thus they are assumed to be trusted people - that privacy is not a huge concern. Especially since polyamory is based on openness and honesty with your partners. It’s not like a sexual history is being publicly broadcasted, a part of your online dating profiles or something you hand to everyone you meet - it’s generally a pretty screened group of individuals.

That being said, you probably should discuss this issue with anyone you’re currently in a relationship with and anyone you might consider - to make sure they’re on the same page. It might even be worthwhile checking in with past partners if you’re still in contact with them. And in some cases, especially those that integrate in more casual sexual encounters, it may make sense to refer to some sexual encounters more generally.

For my personal situation, if someone isn’t comfortable having their name on my spreadsheet for future potential partners to see.. then that’s one factor that would make them ‘not tall enough to ride this ride’, as I expect a very high degree of openness amongst my loved ones.  If someone changes their mind afterwards, I would be open to using just a first name and/or initials.  But in general my definition of openness extends to having at least the names of the people I’ve been with available to anyone considering a sexual relationship with me.

All my best,
- Serolynne

Awaiting my partner’s ok

Published by Serolynne on February 6, 2009 in Polyamory Advice and Sex Advice. Closed

Dear Serolynne:

My partner and I have been theoretically polyamorous for several years now, and while neither of us has had much sexual exploration outside of our own relationship - we have both been dating over the years.  I’ve now been involved with another woman for several months whom my partner knows, respects and seems to adore.   I really love this woman, and we’re both reaching a point where we’re ready to explore our sexual connection more fully.

My partner says she is open to my girlfriend and I becoming more sexual, but isn’t quite ready to take that next step in opening up our relationship.  We’ve all updated our STD testing, have shared our sexual histories and gotten to know each other partner’s rather well. All of the typical stop holds for concerns for moving forward sexually have been addressed, but yet my partner is not yet ready.  I totally respect her comfort levels, but I am also growing frustrating awaiting her to decide she’s ready.  Right now, my girlfriend and I have left it that we’re waiting for my partner to tell us she’s ready. 

Any advice on how we can handle this?

- Anxious awaiting

Dear Anxiously awaiting -

The first time of having your partner enter into a fully sexual relationship with someone else can be a big step, and it seems you’re doing the right things in moving at a speed that is respectful to all.

From what I’m reading, it sounds like that biggest frustration on your part is not necessarily that you’re not having a full sexual relationship with your girlfriend, but rather that there’s no timeline for your partner giving her go ahead?  If that’s correct, here’s a compromise that may serve you all better.

Ask your partner to work with you to come up with a series of dates in which you’ll agree to directly check-in on this subject.  Right now, you’re basically waiting for her to bring it up when she’s ready. This doesn’t give her a timeline in which to put effort towards exploring her own trepidations, and leaves you and your girlfriend a bit hanging.  If you have dates in which you’ve both agreed to re-explore the subject, this lets you let your guard down knowing that the issue will be discussed, and your partner can’t just put the subject off (which is easy to do with subject matter that might be scary).  Note that this is not telling her that she must make a decision by a certain date, just that you’re agreeing to keep it as an open topic that you’re both actively giving consideration to.

I wish you the best,

- Serolynne