Dear Serolynne:
I just found your website and have a question about how to deal with anger regarding getting an STD from my lover’s other girlfriend.
I don’t mind if he goes out with her, but the thought of them engaging in sex which is how the herpes was transmitted makes my skin crawl. I have a compromised immune system and now the herpes has created some painful outbreaks as well as some pelvic pain and dizziness and fatigue. It doesn’t seem fair that their pleasure caused me this pain. And that their herpes is not a problem, no pain. And she has not even had an outbreak in 8 years, yet she still transmitted it to my boy friend who then gave it to me, not knowing that he just got infected.
How can I deal with this? I hesitate to say anything about my feelings to my lover as his hot button is control and I don’t want him to think that I am trying to control his behavior with her.
Thanks for any insights on this subject.
Signed,
Pissed Off
Dear Pissed Off:
Getting a STD via a partner’s other lover can feel like getting the short end of the stick, and your feelings are valid.
But, you really do need to work on getting over it. It’s life, it’s not always fair and you both choose to be polyamorous and accepted the risks associated with multiple partners. You had every opportunity before they engaged in their first sexual encounter to exchange a sexual history and health disclosure to know she had HSV (Herpes), and to take proper precautions and set limitations to limit your risk, especially knowing your compromised immune system. Unless she lied to you about her status before they got involved, there’s really not much justification for asking them to stop in my opinion.
You’re already exposed by the conscious choice you’ve all made, and them continuing their sexual relationship does not have any further physical risks to you. So, any asking for them to stop really is coming from a controlling emotional space and not from a STD safety space.
However, I do highly encourage you to discuss your feelings with your lover and her, so that he can know what you’re feeling. It doesn’t have to come from a place of a control, but rather as a place of sharing. I think you’ll find that giving them the opportunity to acknowledge your feelings will help alleviate a lot of the slighted feelings you’re having.
- Serolynne
