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Archive for April, 2008

I want to handfast with a couple.. but I’m already married

Published by Serolynne on April 21, 2008 in Polyamory Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne:

Hello, I was thrilled to come across your website. It made my day. I have recently been asked to join a couple in Polyamory. (I hope I used that word correctly.) Being with this couple is so familiar yet I have never done this before. The same feeling happened when I visited your website. It was quick and it was in my face, Bam. My heart skipped a beat. You look so happy, so alive and still rising In life. I feel that way when I’m with my couple. My wife would never hear of this relationship. Should I live in fear or regret or maybe this could be the one that works. We love each other and the lady has asked me to handfast with her and her husband is so so happy about this. It’s so beautiful and I don’t want to miss my chance to truly experience life by opening up my heart to what may come. Or, am I just crazy ?

Yours truly,
Bob

Dear Bob..

Unless you have a pre-existing agreement with your wife that you are open to see other people, what you are doing is definitely not polyamory. And seeing as you say your wife would not hear of such a relationship, I am guessing your marriage is not built on a polyamorous foundation. And if you do have any sort of agreement to see other people, I am guessing that it is one of ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’,and I would not presume that it was intended to include relationships as serious as handfasting with other people.

What it sounds like to me is that you are having is an affair. You are cheating. Yes, I understand it feels good and familiar and right, but it is not. Absolutely, under no circumstances, should you continue on with this couple until you have resolved things with your wife. Does this couple even know you’re married? If so, then why would they ask you to handfast with them knowing you are already committed to someone else, and she does not know and support your potential handfasting?

Either bring openness and honesty into your relationships - specifically with your wife, or proceed with the divorce you know you need to do so that you can move on with the life you want. Tell the couple you need to get your life in order before you can see them again, and then go get your life in order. Do not expect it to come together quickly. Bringing polyamory into your marriage, especially after you have been cheating, is a long and complicated road, and it may take years and lots of therapy. And you well know your own entanglements that would need to be undone should divorce be the answer.

You owe it to your wife and the commitment you made to her. You owe it to the couple, and the commitments you are feeling called to make to them. And most of all, you owe it to yourself to create the life that brings you happiness.

- Serolynne

We’re polyamorous, so why did he cheat?

Published by Serolynne on April 13, 2008 in Polyamory Advice. 1 Comment

Dear Serolynne:

My husband and I are in a polyamorous relationship. About a year ago, he started dating a woman and fell really in love with her.  However, she exhibited some personality traits I was not comfortable with and he and she agreed to back off of the relationship.  He and I were having some other relationship issues, so this was supposed to give us a chance to work on our own relationship.   However, he still kept quite in contact with her - exchanging hot chats, kisses when they saw each other and expressing their love for one another. Basically, they were in limbo between being broken up and being in relationship. 

I had suggested that they resume dating, and I would be willing to work through my emotions. However, they insisted on not doing so.

About a month ago, I discovered that they have been doing small things behind my back. There was a night of stolen kisses, long chats (where they removed the chat logs) and lots of text messages on their phones.  They were intentionally hiding these things from me, despite my previous willingness to support their relationship.  I just don’t understand why they would feel the need to sneak behind my back when they had my permission? 

Thanks,
- Cheated on

Dear Cheated On:

Despite popular assumption, it’s still entirely possible to cheat while in a polyamorous relationship. And while your husband may not have technically cheated, it certainly sounds like things were bordering on a full blown affair.

There’s some speculation that human’s have a natural tendency to cheat and lie, but I’m not sure I entirely buy into it.  Your husband may have some past relationship experiences that may show a pattern of intentionally sabatoging relationships. If so, counseling will probably be his best bet at helping break those patterns.

However, you may be dealing with someone who may not only have a tendency to sabatoge relationships, but also someone dealing with some very intense limerence. Limerence goes beyond the emotion of love. It’s those initial months to years of a relationship that can leave your stomach with butterflies and colors our perception of reality. It can also be unhealthy if not kept in check, and can lead to situations like what you find yourself in.

And the ironic part? Trying to stop it only feeds it. I suspect that in the process of your expressing your discomfort with the relationship, your husband has allowed that to serve as a barrier to building the relationship (despite your urging for them continue dating). To limerence, it is more exciting to have obstacles and challenges, so them being on the sly adds to the romance and energy. Very dangerous stuff in a polyamours context. And honestly, I don’t think there’s a thing you could have done differently to try to circumvent this - you gave them opportunity to resume, which would have been my advice for working through limerence.

Best wishes on the months ahead of you,
- Serolynne

Am I being courted?

Published by Serolynne on April 7, 2008 in Polyamory Advice. 1 Comment

Dear Serolynne:

I’m a single older gentleman. A couple of months ago I went on a cruise, and I met a delightful woman. She’s married and her husband was on the cruise with her. We hung out quite a bit and kept in touch afterwards, exchanging several nice e-mails. She and her husband have now invited me to come for a visit at their house later this spring.

While she hasn’t brought the subject of sex up, is it possible that she and her husband are inviting me to join them sexually during my visit? I’m curious about polyamory and group sex, so I’d be quite open to the idea. But I don’t want to offend them by asking if that’s not what they’re inviting me for.

Signed,
Courted?

Dear Courted:

Many people are not direct in their communication and intentions, which can make it very difficult to know exactly what to expect. It may be hard to tell if you are detecting a possible sexual openneness in her communications that is authentic, or if you are reading that through the filters of your curiosity of polyamory and group sex. I know that I would be uncomfortable traveling to visit someone not knowing what the intentions are of the visit.

It’s quite possible that this couple is not at all interested in group sexual situations, and simply finds your company pleasant and wishes to host you and show you their home. In that case, bringing up the subject directly could be offensive to them, and even potentially lose their friendship. My recommendation would be to start working the subject into conversations with your lady friend as you continue to get to know each other. Let her know that you’ve been researching about polyamory and considering if it is right for you. Perhaps talking to her about the people you’re meeting online for dating purposes and the difficulty of bringing the subject up, maybe even asking her advice on how to approach others about it?

Do it in a way that doesn’t convey that you’re looking to her and her husband for this purpose. This leaves the door open for her to reply in the affirmative if this is something they are interested in. If they’re not, then you can more properly set your expectations for your upcoming visit as being a strictly social call.

Safe travels,
- Serolynne

I lost my best friend after she seduced me

Published by Serolynne on April 1, 2008 in Relationship Advice. 1 Comment

Dear Serolynne:

I left my husband of 18 years almost two years ago. In those two years, I have become extremely close to my best friend of about five years, seeing her everyday, talking to her at least two times a day on the phone and she and her husband even invited me to go to on vacation with them. It even has gotten to the point, I really don’t have any other friends but her. I would rather sit at her house and talk with her than go to a bar. My family is estranged and growing up with abusers, I didn’t have that bond. I embraced the acceptance I got from my friend and her family.

Four months ago, she seduced me and I wasn’t an unwilling partner. She told me it would never happen again, it was wrong. I was a little taken aback, feeling it wasn’t wrong, but at this point, she tells me what she wants from me and I’m subservient. The second time it happened, she invited Bill, her husband to join us. I was even more leery that time, but figured it was her call.

When she has had a couple of drinks, she says when she dies, she wants me to be her husband’s partner and tells him that she and I love each other and love him, stuff like that. I don’t have any feelings for this man, other than a deep fondness as a friend. I have an annoying habit of doing what she tells me and saying things I think she wants to hear.

About a month and a half ago, she called me and we talked a long time. Yes, we both had been drinking. I was rambling on how I didn’t need a man in my life, I was happy were I was. She said, all you need is Bill, and thinking we on the ‘when I die’ subject, agreed with her. She told me she didn’t trust me alone with Bill anymore. I tried to explain that I don’t want Bill, but she won’t listen.

Our friendship is rather distant at this point. She talks to me when I call her and only if she wants to, otherwise she tells me she’s busy and hangs up. I messed up so terribly bad. I’m losing my best friend. I don’t know how to fix it. I want my best friend back, I don’t want to end it like this, or end it at all, I want it to be like it was six months ago before all of this took place. I don’t know how to make it right.

Dear Confused and Hurt:
I think there are a few things at play here:

1) You seem to have some sort of addiction to this woman that makes it difficult for you to function without her guidance. It may be a combination of being limerent towards her, as well as some sort of co-dependency combined with your submissive nature. Either way, the feelings you have for her have not been manifested in healthy ways.

2) Your friend may have problems with alcohol, in which she pushed beyond her own personal boundaries while under the influence, and then regrets the decisions after she sobers up. Unfortunately, you have been caught up in her games and hurt in the process. Perhaps her husband has expressed wishes in the past to have the involvement of another women in their marriage, and this is her way of feeling things out to see if she’s able to handle them. Apparently, she is not totally comfortable with it and not secure in her relationship with her husband in such a way that she can share him if she feels any sense of threat from the other woman. And whether or not you actually present a threat is besides the point to her, she’s going to see it because that’s specifically what she is most afraid of and is thus on the lookout for.

3) You really need to develop more of a social life. Having a wider circle of friends will really go a long way towards easing the pain of the loss of this friendship as well as giving you multiple outlets in the future for your social life. Find groups and clubs for people who share some of your interests, and get out there making friends. Perhaps volunteering for a campaign of a favored political candidate or a local charity that resonates with you. Or if you have interest in pursuing multiple relationships in healthy ways, find your closest polyamory and/or bi discussion group and get involved.

4) You may want to consider seeing a professional therapist to deal with the past pains of abuse from your childhood which is holding you back from having healthy and equal relationships.

Without knowing what is really inside of your friend’s head that is causing her to react this way, it is my best intuition that until she can deal with whatever her own personal problems are in her marriage, that you may be without the closeness of your friend for a while. It’s probably best to let her know that you will always be there for her, and then be prepared to move on until she’s ready. It’s unfortunate for you, as you really haven’t done anything wrong other than blindly following her lead and trusting that she was inviting you into her life in ways that were comfortable for her.

Best wishes to you,
- Serolynne