Dear Serolynne:
My husband and I have been swingers for a long while, although we typically tend to only become sexual with people we’ve established some sort of friendship with. However, in the past year or so we’ve pretty much been only swinging with one particular couple. They’re great people, and we enjoy doing so many things with them - movies, BBQs, hanging out as well as the sex. We’ve even found ourselves comfortable swapping partners with them even if not all of us are in the same room, which is a first for us.
I’ve recently found the term polyamory when searching around for information on having multiple long term partners, and I’m wondering - does the term apply to our situation?
Thanks,
Are we Poly?
Dear Are we Poly?
I think the most important thing is that all four of you are comfortable with the situation, and know what the expectations are and aren’t. There are a few things the can be distinguishing marks between polyamory and swinging, but there is a heck of a lot of grey area inbetween.
Some of the distinguishing characterteristics are:
- Sex vs Relationships: In polyamory, you open yourself up to falling in LOVE with more than one person at a time. In swing, that’s usually pretty threatening to the core couple. Swing is generally more about recreational sex and polyamory is more about loving relationships. In swinging, friendship is usually the deepest emotional connection that a couple allows with others (and that isn’t a requirement for all swingers). Polyamory usually involves deeply emotional connections (love) with multiple people, and sex can (and usually is) an integral part of those relationships. So the question to ask yourself here.. are you open to loving them beyond friendship?
- Monogamy vs. Non-monogamy: Swinging, in many ways is still monogamously based. Swinging is viewed as safe and non-threatening to the couple’s emotionally monogamous relationship. Polyamory usually isn’t approached from a couple-centric place. While couples may both date (even date the same person)… the relationships are viewed as individual relationships. In polyamory, you’re much more an individual than identified with your relationship structure. Would you comfortable if not only your husband had sex with the other women, but would you be ok with them going out on a romantic date on their own?
- Discreet vs. “Out”: Swinging is usually a discreet activity that a couple does on the weekends - whereas polyamorous relationship are part of every day life, and not an activity done from time to time. Some questions that might help you clarify include: Do you want to introduce your couple to your other friends and family? Do have a desire to include them in major life events (weddings, funerals, company picnics, etc.)? Would you be there for them if they had a major crisis? Do you desire putting a photo of them on your desk at work?
You will probably find that there may not be clear answers to all of the above, and that you are currently somewhere in the grey zone. And in the end, it really doesn’t matter what you call it - as long as everyone is having fun, is comfortable, is on the same page and is enjoying themselves. There’s no one handing out poly cards, afterall. And one is not better than the other.
- Serolynne
Dear Serolynne:
My wife and I are both exploring polyamory, however she tends to be a bit more jealous and insecure. We’re both quite concerned about STDs and always use protection and proceed cautiously when having sexual encounters with others. I’m seeing a new woman, and I’d really like to become more involved with her. But my partner is not responding very well to it. I feel she’s using risks of STDs to thwart my relationship instead of dealing with any jealousy she might be experiencing. How do I get my partner to let me have sex with my new love interest?
- Ready to get it on
Dear Ready to get it on :
STDs are a reality that all sexually active folks have to contend with. You didn’t mention how long you’ve been seeing this new woman, but maybe it’s going too fast for your wife to come up to speed with. Have they met and had the opportunity to spend time getting to know each other? By allowing your wife to become comfortable with your new sweetie, you give them both a chance to build respect for each other. Also, have you done a full sexual health and history exchange with this new potential partner? Having real risk factors to evaluate may be helpful for all involved.
Your wife may also be feeling that this new woman does present increased risk factors sexually. While STD concerns shouldn’t be used to cover up dealing with jealousy, they are a serious issue to address upfront. Your wife has a responsibilty to herself to protect her health and know what risks she’s taking on. However, it is also possible that little red and yellow flags of jealousy are cropping up as STD concerns. Use this opportunity to fully discuss any concerns your wife has about this new potential sweetie, and you may find that giving her space to express her concerns goes a long way to bridging the unknown.
Best wishes,
- Serolynne
Dear Serolynne:
After doing a lot of research and soul searching, I’ve decided that I’m polyamorous by nature and am ready to embrace that. Now what? How do I find people do date? Is it best to date other people who are polyamorous, or to just date ‘normal’ people and hope they’ll be ok with it?
Thanks,
- New to Poly
Dear New to Poly,
Congratulations on taking the time to figure out if polyamory is for you before getting involved with people. As a general rule of thumb, it tends to be easiest to date other folks who are already inclined towards non-monogamous relationship models. But, that’s not to say that you won’t find some people who are open to the idea but just haven’t been exposed to it being a feasible path. And, even if you did find people who identify as polyamorous already, that’s not to say that they will be wanting to practice it in the same ways you might. With any relationship, you’ll still have to figure things out and find what works for all involved.
As far as some ways of finding folks who may be more inclined towards polyamory than others, try these tips:
- Some online dating sites are open to polyamory. They include:
- Finding your local polyamory discussion, social and/or support group - google for ‘polyamory’ and nearby large cities to you to find them. Check out YahooGroups, GoogleGroups and Meetup.com to see if there are groups near you. Interacting with others in your area who are exploring polyamory is a great way to make new friends, meet others on similar paths and even potentially find people to date. Just a word of caution - don’t join group with only the intention of dating people in it.
- Attend regional and national polyamory conferences. All throughout the year there are gatherings of polyamorous folks in major cities for weekend long conferences and retreats. Some are casual campouts, others are larger scale hotel based conferences. These are great opportunities to learn more about polyamory and meet others walking this path.
- Do the things you love doing. As with dating in general, you are more likely to find people you have common interests with by doing the things you enjoy doing. Just be upfront that you’re polyamorous before things get too serious if you find people you want to date.
- Be as ‘out’ as you can about being polyamorous. Since not everyone can be out - whether it be job or family concerns, the more out you are the more likely people who are interested in polyamory will come to you. Include polyamory as a keyword on any online profiles you have, let friends know that you’re poly and dating, etc. You don’t have to wear the t-shirt, but include it as a casual part about you as you would anything else.
Best wishes on your dating path,
- Serolynne
