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Archive for February, 2008

Communicating Needs and Being Compassionate

Published by Serolynne on February 16, 2008 in Polyamory Advice and Relationship Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne:

One of my sweeties, who I don’t live near, is going through a tough time. She has a partner that she lives with who is providing a lot of her day to day to support. But today she got angry with me for not offering up more support than I have. I admit, I haven’t been reaching out much, but then again - she’s never asked me to either. I don’t feel she has a right to be as upset with me as she is considering she’s not been expressing her needs to me. What do you think, shouldn’t the poly mantra of ‘Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!’ apply here?

Thanks,
- Wrongly Accused

Dear Wrongly Accused,

In relationships, it is extremely important to be able to express your needs and expectations to your partner(s)/sweeties/friends. That’s general Communication 101 stuff there, and an excellent recipe for taking responsibility of making sure your needs are met.

But on the flip side, it’s also important to recognize that when someone else is in need that it is the least likely time that they are able to express their needs in rational ways. Being compassionate to that, and using your knowledge of them to pro-actively provide is also important. And at the very least, don’t reprimand them for not expressing their needs as your defense for why you’ve been neglectful towards them.

Sometimes they may not even be in a mind space to realize that they’d appreciate some additional support from you, never mind communicate that to you. And in my opinion, that’s one of the benefits of relationships - is being in the unique position to recognize when your sweetie is in that space, and being more pro-active than usual to offer up support. Isn’t it more pleasant to get thanks for giving unexpected support, than being on the receiving end of disappointment for having not?

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Two Boyfriends.. Now What?

Published by Serolynne on February 11, 2008 in Polyamory Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne:

The situation is this: I seem to have two boyfriends. I have heard of polyamory, and am interested in it, but I still have questions.

The first one is a businessman, who has recently been divorced; I am being a friend to him in that I am letting him talk through the various problems he’s having. I’m letting him treat me as a friend with benefits, meaning that I am willing to sleep with him. I have feelings for him and we have made tentative plans for the future.

The second one is a retired Marine who really likes me; I really like him too. Due to some medical problems that he doesn’t want to saddle me with, he is encouraging me to look toward the businessman. He is remaining very much a part of my life, and has become my best friend. He agrees to be my boy-friend, even though he wants me to find someone else, like the businessman.

Both men know about the other, and actually they are both sort-of glad that the other is there, which is kind-of odd, but alright. I mean to keep them both in my life, but I don’t really know how to go about doing that, seeing as there aren’t all that many examples, at least that I can think of, of polyamorous relationships. Do you have any suggestions?

- Tenatively exploring Poly

Dear Tentatively:

This actually sounds like a great foundation for the start of an intentionally polyamorous relationship. You’re close with both men, they know about each other and neither one of them is demanding that you be exclusive with them. In fact, it’s sounding like they appreciate the situation.

I would recommend your next step is to talk with each of them individually, and make sure they are indeed comfortable with you intentionally continuing to be involved with both of them. Some questions to specifically ask each of them include:

  • How much information does each want to know about the other, and your relationship with them?
  • How much information is each comfortable with you sharing with the other?
  • How much time and energy does each want from you?
  • Do they have any desire in being in contact directly with each other?
  • Do either of them have any requests for the safer sex practices you adhere to?
  • Are either of them seeing, or intending to see, other people?


Make sure that they both know that you are willing to talk about any of the concerns they have, and that you understand that there may be concerns or jealous reactions in the future.

As far as finding other resources for seeing how polyamorous relationships work, there are lots of resources available. Take a visit to Loving More at www.lovemore.com for a magazine dedicated to the subject, as well as a full bookstore. Googling around for word ‘polyamory’ will also bring you to many websites of individuals, couples, triads, etc. practicing polyamory that you can learn from. You’ll likely find more information than you were anticipating.

Best wishes on your journey!
- Serolynne

Can Casual Sex be Rewarding?

Published by Serolynne on February 4, 2008 in Sex Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne,

I’m relationshipless right now, and I miss sex. For serious romantic relationships, I have very high standards and haven’t yet found anyone around I have the right connection with. However, I do have a couple of friends I’d be ok with “messing around” sexually with. If I were to try casual sex, I’d make sure to be absolutely sure to be clear on what it meant and what it didn’t mean, and all that, and I’d be careful about STDs and pregnancy and such. The bottom line: I’ve never had sex outside of a serious relationship before. Can it work? Are there specific things that are important to know or watch out for? Can it be rewarding? And how do you go about bringing it up?

-Horny and Single

Dear Horny and Single:

Yes, intentional casual sex can work and be rewarding. Just keep it all in perspective, be clear about the emotional boundaries and intents with the people you pursue this with. Both with yourself, and with them. Also be sure where your risk tolerance level is for STDs, and don’t be afraid to have clear physical boundaries for situations that may not meet your standards. For instance, you may find that given one person’s situation you may feel that penetrative intercourse with a condom is a reasonable risk, but with another going beyond manual play may not be.

The things to watch out for might include:

  • Sex and orgasm can trigger brain chemistry to a point where someone you were intending a casual sexual relationship with may seem to be a more intense emotional connection or attachment. Being in a single space, be very cautious with your emotional boundaries. That’s not to say that someone you enter into a casual sexual encounter with may not turn out to be someone you want to pursue a more serious relationship with, just don’t allow your brain chemistry to fool you and second guess yourself. This is especially true for someone who has not explored sex outside of serious relationship, you already have that pattern to break.
  • Just because it’s casual sex, does not mean that doing a basic sexual history exchange and test results exchange is out of the question. And it does not mean that it has to be with strangers or be more anonymous either. Stick with what you are comfortable with, and make those decisions as to where your boundaries are while you are not in the heat of the moment.
  • Try to think a little forward and the impacts that your casual sex phase may have on future serious relationships. If you do a sexual history exchange in the future, you will need to include all of your encounters, and depending on who you’re pursuing relationship with, your history may impact how they approach you sexually. Be ok with that before you pursue casual sex. Also be aware that HPV is one of those STDs that is difficult for males to be tested for, can transmit regardless of barrier use, can lead to oral cancers, as well as increase a woman’s risk of cervical cancer. Casual sexual encounter will likely increase your odds of encountering at least one strain, given that 80% of the population has been exposed at one point, and 20-25% has a currently contagious infection.
  • Existing friends, unless there is already a flirtatious nature or previous open door, may be difficult to convert from friendship to casual sex buddy. You know the personalities and situations of your friend’s best, and who might be approachable about this. Just be aware that adding in a sexual element can impact the friendship.. so be cautious here, and only bring it up with people you suspect would be open to this.


As for how to bring it up.. that will likely vary by person. In general, avoid coming off as desperate. I’d recommend opening up general dialog with the friends you’re interested in, update yourself on their current life and update them on yours. When you get to the part that you’re missing sex and are considering pursuing more of a ‘friends with benefits’ sort of deal, you’ve now opened the door for them to respond if they might be interested in this. If they don’t, perhaps asking them if it’s something they’ve ever considered (not specifically with you, but in general). At least get the topic in that direction and see where it leads.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne