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Archive for January, 2008

How to keep online conversations going

Published by Serolynne on January 30, 2008 in Relationship Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne:

I’ve been trying dating online, and will spark up an e-mail exchange with someone who sounds really great. We’ll send a couple of e-mails back and forth, only to have the conversations end with no further response back from the other person. It’s not like there’s lack of things to talk about, and the initial exchanges always seem quite interesting. What I am doing that results in this happening so often? Why don’t people respond back to my e-mails? I can see that these people are still logging into the site.

Thanks,
Feeling Invisible

Dear Feeling Invisible:

There is an art to conversation, especially online communication, that is a learned skill. E-mail takes a bit of effort to read and compose, so to keep someone engaged in the process you must put forth a bit of extra effort. In ‘real life’, it’s sometimes easier to keep an engaging conversation going, because you can use body language, facial expressions and tone of voice to gauge if someone is still interested in talking with you. But online, these signals oftentimes are missed, especially in e-mail where the replies are not immediate.

Here are some tips for keeping an e-mail exchange with someone new going:

- Always include questions or prompts back to the other person for further communication. I know that I often will write an e-mail to someone, ask them questions about something they’ve said or something I’m curious about - and they respond only answering the questions. They include no prompt back to me indicating that they want to keep communication. When I get an e-mail like that, my tendency is to assume they are not interested in conversation or are just incredibly self-centered. Remember, this is a dialouge with another person, not writing an essay back to them all about you. Make sure you relay that you are interested in learning more about them as you are in answering their questions. Most people like to talk about themselves and you’re more likely to keep getting responses back if you invite that.

- If you haven’t received a response back to your last e-mail for a few days, and especially if you’ve seen the person log on to the site recently, send a quick note to remind them that you’re still interested. Be short, recognize that the person may have been busy and be very polite and not demanding. You don’t want your message to come across as you being desperate, needy or nagging. If you feel you may have not left room in your last response for them to have something to reply back to (such as making the mistake above), you may want to include a new questions in this message such as .. ‘So, it occurred to me to ask you more about your interests in SCUBA diving - where do you like to dive best?’. If you don’t get a response back to this one in a few days.. just let it go. Don’t keep nagging them, they’re either too busy or have lost interest in you.

- If someone replies to you making the mistakes above (by not including clear invitations for things they’d like you to reply back with), don’t assume they’ve lost interest. Reply anyway - comment on things they said about themselves, perhaps including how some of it applies to you. If you have more questions, ask them. And clearly make an invitation for them to ask back any questions they have about you. Sometimes, people are afraid to impose by asking questions.

- Some people have a threshold for how many e-mails they will put effort into reading and composing, and perhaps you’ve simply reached this person’s limit. If they live locally enough, and you feel there may be reciprocal interest , it may be time for your next e-mail to suggest arranging an in person meeting. Again, don’t be pushy or demanding in your request.

Best wishes in your future communicating,
- Serolynne

Dating with a STD - What’s my responsibility?

Published by Serolynne on January 25, 2008 in Relationship Advice and Safer Sex Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serloynne:

I’m a single female who has HPV and I’m dating. I found a very nice guy but it very quickly turned into a nightmare leaving me feeling terrible. I did talk to this guy about my STD but didn’t specify it as HPV. When we decided to get intimate one day, he proved with reports he was STD free as he works in health care and he gets tested every 4 months.

I did try to insist we used condoms but he said condoms don’t work for him and I should trust him since he gets tested every 4 months. And in the heat of the moment, we had unprotected sex. And somehow after the deed I mentioned what I had was HPV. He was pissed off naturally but it didn’t stop him from JUMPING ME A SECOND TIME. Then he cussed me out totally the next day. Turning the tables on me, he said I never told him I had ANY STD. Yes, it’s my fault and it’s my duty, responsibility not to spread it. I can’t stop beating myself up for it now & I’m depressed all over again. It’s really taunting me that I have effectively ruined somebody’s life.

Any advice how I can get over this?

- Moxy

Dear Moxy:

Yes, it’s true you should have told him upfront about the HPV. However, you did disclose you had a STD and he’s the one who foolishly insisted on getting sexual without condoms without first getting your test results too. If he was so concerned about not being exposed to STDs, then why doesn’t he insist on getting current test results from his potential partners like he provides them? Something smells fishy to me about that. So basically.. yes, you could have been more upfront, could have refused sex without a condom (not that it would have totally protected him) -.but he also bears a LOT of responsibility here for his own actions and insistence. We each are responsible for the choices we make, and he was irresponsible to his own health by not asking questions of you. So please don’t beat yourself up too much over this. Learn from the lesson to be more upfront in the future, and also realize that there are no approved tests for men for HPV, so they can’t prove to you that they’re totally STD-free.


I can tell you that dating with HPV - you will find some people who are ignorant about it and mishear it as HIV or HSV, or not even realize that they probably already have a strain of HPV. But by and large, most people I’ve encountered would be happy to date me even with my HPV status. I’m usually the one skeptical - as I don’t want to be exposed to a new strain of the virus and make my situation worse. But yes, there are people that I really click with and see long term potential with - and the risks of exposure are worth the while. The key is.. be upfront about your situation (and check them out too.. have any of their female partners had abnormal PAP smears recently?), take things slow and get to know each other before getting too sexual.

Enjoy the foreplay, suspense, romance and build up.. and make sure this is someone who will really be there for you and not just someone interested in getting in your pants.

Best wishes,

- Serolynne







							
 

		
 

	
		
		

			

				
Should I just date other people with HPV?


				

					
						Published by Serolynne  on January 20, 2008					

					
						in Safer Sex Advice.					

					1 Comment
					
									
 
			
 

			

				
Dear Serolynne:


 I’m a 24 year old girl, and I just recently had an abnormal PAP smear (LGSIL) and a positive high risk HPV test result.  I’m single and I’d really like to not remain that way, but I also don’t want to pass this virus to other people. Should I just date other people who also have HPV to be on the safe side?


Thanks,

Doesn’t want to be alone


Dear Doesn’t want to be alone,


While with some STDs, it can be beneficial to date other’s with the same diagnosis, HPV is generally not one of those. Particularly not the high risk kind that can increase your chances of cervical cancer. The reason being is that there are about 15 different strains of the HPV virus that can aid cervical cancer.  Infection with multiple strains can tax your immune system and might actually make things worse.  So, unless you know what strain of HPV you have, and what strain your potential dating partner has - then there’s really no way to know for sure that you both have the same exact strain of HPV.  Testing for specific strains is a rarity, so most people only know if they’ve had a positive HPV result.  Also, keep in mind that there is no approved or reliable test for HPV in men.


So no, I would not recommend specificallly seeking out others with HPV.  Instead, seek out partners who are aware of HPV, know the current status of their recent partners (ie. have any of the women in their sexual network had an abnormal PAP smear?) and are people interested in your for the longer term. I’ve typically found that when looking at potential longer term relationships, that my potential partners have not been overly concerned that they may be exposed to the HPV virus by me.  Just take things slow, be upfront about the risks and make sure the risk of potential exposure is worth it.


Best wishes,

- Serolynne


Note: I am not a medical expert, and the above should not be taken as medical advice.  


							
 

		
 

	
		
		

			

				
New relationship doesn’t leave room for individual pursuits


				

					
						Published by Serolynne  on January 10, 2008					

					
						in Relationship Advice.					

					0 Comments
					
									
 
			
 

			

				
Dear Serolynne: 


I’ve been dating this girl for a couple of months now, and we seem to be very compatible and I think we have the potential to have something very special here.   My biggest concern however is how needy she seems to be, particularly with how I spend my time when I’m not with her.   She’s a bit younger than me, and has had some bad relationships in the past.  But I’m not those guys. 


My current dilemma is that there’s a weekend long conference coming up that I really want to attend. She can’t attend the whole thing because of prior commitments so she doesn’t want me to attend anything that she can’t join me for.  Despite my offering to call her and send text messages while I’m there, this doesn’t seem to alleviate whatever is bothering her about my attending. 


 I really want to attend the whole thing - how can I do so without trampling on her feelings?


Thanks,

- Doesn’t want to be held back 


Dear Doesn’t:


It’s probably time for you both to sit down and have a talk about your relationship, and where it’s going.  At the couple month point, there’s still a lot of funny brain chemistry potentially going on, and things are still pretty new for you both.  Spelling out some of your intentions to each other for the relationship is probably a good idea and could go a long way towards soothing over insecurities.  Part of her insecurties could be based in her not knowing if you’re seeing her as a serious relationship or not.


As far as your upcoming conference, there may be a couple of different issues at play here. I’d sit her down and explore where the triggers about this event are coming from. Some possible things you might find, include:


Is it simply that you’d be apart for a couple of days? If so, that’s something that needs to addressed ASAP as that’s inevitable to happen, and neither of you should be held back from doing the things you want to do simply for fear of being apart for a couple of days. Discuss things that she could use that time to do - perhaps things that you don’t particularly enjoy doing.


Is it that you have interests that don’t exactly mesh with hers? Again, another important thing to address early on. Establishing conscious intentions for individuality from early on is really important to the long term health of the relationship. One thing you can do is make sure she feels loved and attended to before and after the conference - so she starts to learn that you exploring your individual interests does not have to be exclusionary to her, and can infact help you grow as individual so you can bring more of yourself back to share with her.


Is it that the nature of the conference is outside of her comfort zone? Perhaps it’s more sexually charged than she’s comfortable with you being in? This is a legitimate concern for her to have, and you need to make sure you clearly expresses your intentions in attending, as well as  discussing where your physical and emotional boundaries are.


Is it that you’d be attending with potential other lovers, exes, etc? Again, another legitimate concern where you should define their boundaries around.


Best wishes,

- Serolynne


							
 

		
 

	
		
		

			

				
Is it possible to live together after a break-up?


				

					
						Published by Serolynne  on January 5, 2008					

					
						in Relationship Advice.					

					1 Comment
					
									
 
			
 

			

				
Dear Serolynne:


My boyfriend and I recently broke up after living together for 3 years.  We broke up fairly mutually after realizing we just simply have different life goals,  and we’re hoping continue to be on friendly terms with each other.  As we have a lease on our apartment for another 8 months, we’re considering continuing to live together.  Do you think this is a workable situation?


Wants to Make it Work


Dear Wants:


Congratulations on breaking up in what appears to be a healthy and mature way. Maintaining a friendship with an ex can be a very special thing. You certainly won’t be the first to be able to successfully live together after a break up. That you consider the break-up to have been fairly mutual, and you’re on friendly terms is a good sign that you’ll at least be able to make the best of the next eight months.


Some things to consider to make this work:


- Work out the terms of living together with your ex, trying to do so from the point of view that you are now roommates, not domestic partners. This might take a bit of  a mental shift after several years of living together otherwise.  There are probably things about living with someone that are more tolerable when they’re your lover than when they’re your roommate - such as how often the dishes are done, who takes out the trash, clutter and tidiness, how often guests come over, etc.


- If your apartment has a layout that supports it, considering dividing up your living space with more separation than you might have had previously. Separate bedrooms and bathrooms can go a long way to making the situation feel more like roommates.


- Reconsider any financial entanglements you might have - such as the way you split living expenses like groceries and dining out. It’s little things like this that can help make the necessary mental shift to go from lovers to people sharing space.  You may find you don’t actually need to make any changes, but the process alone of going through everything together can really help.


- Consider if either of you will start dating while you’re still living together, and what the rules will be around that.  While the thought of your ex dating others may only be slightly disconcerting, waking up in the morning to your ex’s latest date in the kitchen in his bathrobe may be an entirely different story.


Best wishes,

- Serolynne


							
 

		
 

	
		
		

			

				
How do I meet people on dating sites?


				

					
						Published by Serolynne  on January 2, 2008					

					
						in Relationship Advice.					

					0 Comments
					
									
 
			
 

			

				
Dear Serolynne:


 I’m a great single guy, with a lot to offer. I’d really like to find someone to date and potentially have a life long relationship with. I hate the bar scene and don’t have a lot of free time for that sort of stuff anyway. I’ve been trying some online dating sites, and I’m not having much luck having women respond to my e-mails.  Are there any tips for how to get noticed on a dating site? I know there are probably hundreds of guys for every woman on these sites. 


 Thanks,

Looking for Love Online


Dear Looking Online:


You’re right, there are lots of guys out there looking for relationships online. And there are a lot of women too.  Unfortunately, I think a lot of people don’t know how to effectively use online tools to meet people. I know personally, I’ve had great luck meeting people online.  Here are some tips to online dating, from a woman’s perspective:


1) Have a great profile that says a lot about who you are. Pay attention to grammar and spelling. Don’t USE ALL CAPS or all lower case.  Express who you are - what you do for work, some of your hobbies and interests or some unique things you’ve done in your life.  What inspires you? What do you want to accomplish in life? And what type of relationships are you open to?  Your profile doesn’t need to be a full length essay, but it also shouldn’t be short and generic. I tend to pass over guys who have profiles that simply say something like ‘I’m a great guy, I don’t know how to write about myself - so drop me a line if you want to get to know me.’    I highly recommend letting some of your friends read your profile and give you feedback to make sure it’s reflecting what they see in you too.


2)  When you make a first contact to someone on a dating site, make sure your message doesn’t read like a form letter.  I know that I, and many of my women friends, get mail boxes full of very generic e-mails that say  nothing about why this person has selected me to write to (other than ‘you’re pretty’ or some other such generic response).  I recommend a 3 paragraph approach..


First paragraph should start out with something about the person’s profile that struck your interest (’Hi.. I see you like skydiving, that’s something I’ve always wanted to try!’), and then expand on other things about the profile and person that you liked.  If the profile was well written, witty, insightful, etc. -  then say so.   I would generally avoid including too much about things you physically liked about the person (’You’ve got a great body’ or ‘I love red heads’).  Most women want to be noticed for who they are, not how they look or how they meet some physical ideal you have.


The second paragraph should introduce yourself a bit and be a quick synopsis of your profile - career, hobbies, interests, etc. It’s a good idea to include things that you think the other person might appreciate about you as well.  (’Like you, I’ve also done a great deal of travel.’)


The third paragraph should include a bit about what you’re looking for and why you’ve contacted this person.  Friendship? Dating? Sexual encounter? Potential wife?   Encourage them to read your profile for more information about you, and ask for a reply if they’d like to communicate further.


3)  Avoid sounding desperate.  Desperation is a very unattractive trait.


4) Do not offer your phone number or alternate contact information until you’ve corresponded a couple of times and have a pretty clear indication that this person is interested in communicating outside of the site.  Sending your contact information in the first reply or two can come off as pushy.


5) Some of my male friends tell me that some of the best online contacts they’ve had are when the woman contacts them!  They simply concentrate on keeping a great profile up, and then having quality communication when women reach out to them.  Some other guys I know just can’t get accept a women making the first move - I encourage men to get past this, and be open to it.   And I encourage women on dating sites to be pro-active and contact men who strike their interest.  It helps balance the online dating playing field a bit, and encourages the interesting men to stick around and keep trying.


Best wishes in your online search.. don’t give up!


- Serolynne