So, if you have question for me..  please save us both the time by not writing me a long description of what is going on in your life - cuz frankly, unless I know you personally - I really don’t care.  And no matter how many words you write me, there’s no way I can fully grok what is going on for you and your unique situation.

Instead, choose one of the following responses which is likely what I’d reply with anyway:

1) Get over it already - try *talking* about it with your partner(s). Asking some stranger on the internet isn’t going to solve the problem. The only person who can solve the problem is YOU.

2) Get over it already - life is too short to wallow in self pity. Ask for what you want in your relationships and life, and don’t settle for less.  Value yourself, and others will value you.   If your needs aren’t getting met and you’ve tried asking for them, move on.

3) Get over it already - take responsibility for your actions, reactions and for your health.

If you can’t get over it.. please turn to a trusted friend who knows you better for reflection back.. or better yet, seek professional help. Seriously.

About six months ago my best friend and his wife let me know that she wanted to sleep with me, they didn’t set any ground rules before hand or make any requests about behavior it was mostly just a matter of “lets see where this leads”. Physically we’ve had a great deal of fun fairly often. Now, however, I’m starting to think that I’ve fallen in love with her and I’m not sure how to proceed. Up until now each next step in the relationship has been instigated by one of them, so it felt safe because I knew they’d discussed it before hand. The wife and I are really close friends, and spend a great deal of time together (in some weeks more time then she spends with her husband because he works really long hours). I’m just not sure if it’s something she’d be open to. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want her children or her relatives(who’re also her neighbors) to know about us. The subject of emotions has just never come up. So I guess what I’m asking is this : do you have any advice on how I could bring up the subject?

Signed,
Are they Poly?

Dear Are they Poly?

I don’t think it’s a matter of finding out if they’re specifically aligned with the term polyamory, as it is to check in with them at this point as to where things have gone in this experiment they asked you to join in. Six months is a long enough time to have this conversation with them, and share where each of you are coming from.  If you’re really close friends with them and you’ve been regularly sexual with them, hopefully bringing up the conversation will go smoother and more casually than your fear is intuiting it will be.

I know that it can be scary, especially the thought that they she may not reciprocate your feelings, or that bringing romantic love into the equation is more than they’re open to.  However, keeping your feelings to yourself will only eat away at you, and it’s time to find out just where they intend to head with this.  If it were me, I’d just ask them .. ‘So, how’s this arrangement of ours working for you guys?’

As a concern to ask yourself, assuming they are open to more of  loving relationship with you, would you be comfortable pursuing this sort of relationship knowing that you’ll always be doing so a bit in hiding?

Best wishes,

- Serolynne

Thanks
Serena

Dear Serena…

If this is just an isolated incident, I’d say to let it pass. It’s sort of special circumstances that his primary was out of town. She may have been feeling a bit lonely and needing of connection with him while away from home, especially knowing he was out on a date with someone he’s developing a new relationship with.  Sure, the timing may not have been the best, but compassion for the situation will gain you a lot of trust with her as you further your relationship with your new sweetie.

If it continues, and you find she’s frequently finding ways to casually interrupt your time with your mutual sweetie, then it’s probably a really good idea to have a chat with all three of you and make sure you’re on firm understanding about the boundaries of your respective relationships.

Also, in this case, I’d be more questioning why my new boyfriend took the call and spent so much time on ‘chit chat’ while on a date with me, rather than worrying about whether his partner had ulterior motives in making the call in the first place.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

While we were divorced, I stumbled across a local Polyamory group and have realized that I am polyamorous in my approach to life. I also started seeing another women who I’ve quite come to adore and love.   And then my ex-wife and I started becoming more loving towards each other - and have even started sharing a bedroom again.  I do love her.  I recently tried explaining to her that I am polyamorous and would like for her to know that I can love more than one person including her.  My girlfriend knows about my ex-wife and I, however, my ex-wife does not know about my girlfriend as she refuses to listen to me and says that she wants me to be hers only.

She even threatens to make my life a misery if she finds out that I have another love in my life. I currently have to meet my girlfriend discreetly for fear of my ex-wife finding out. To me this cheating and I don’t know how to correct the situation. I would really like to be honest to my ex-wife if only I could make my ex-wife understand how I feel deep inside and let her know that I will always love her as we share conversation,emotions, two growing kids, a house, cars, food, bedroom and my finances.

What have I done wrong and how can I correct it??

Regards,
Unhappy

Dear Unhappy,

So, where you could averted a lot of this is at the point when your wife switched from being a housemate to being a lover again.  You were already involved with your girlfriend, and you should have told your ex-wife about  her *before* you invited her back into your bedroom.   At this point, you could have let her know of the change in your life, how you’ve come to appreciate her again and value her.  It would have brought her into the process as a partner in this situation, and would have been the most ethical and honest way to handle things.

However, since you did not and allowed her to move back into the role of wife/partner in your life with no other information to the contrary - you essentially gave her the impression that you were entering back into a monogamous partnership with her again.  So it is completely understandable that she is now upset you’ve been considering polyamory.

As you are currently seeing your girlfriend discreetly behind your ex-wives back and against her known wishes - you are correct in your feeling that it is cheating and unethical.

I think the question you need ask yourself right now is..  what is your priority right now?

1) Rebuilding your family with your ex-wife:

What I’d recommend is that you quit seeing your girlfriend .. for now. While it’s unfair to your girlfriend, as she started seeing you while you were available - you have chosen to re-explore things with your ex-wife, life partner, mother of your children, etc.   If bringing your family back together again in a healthy way is important to you - then, it seems this is where your focus should be.  Trying to switch your relationship model over to polyamory at the same time may be too much to handle all at once.

However, I would highly recommend that in rebuilding your life with your ex-wife, that you specifically talk about polyamory and how you want to include it in your life together.. eventually.  You need to let her know about your girlfriend and that you are willing to put your relationship with your girlfriend on hold while you focus on her - be very upfront about having been seeing your girlfriend however.  Start things off with as much openness and honesty as possible, and build the trust and partnership together that you will need to make polyamory successful. You have a lot of trust rebuilding to accomplish here, and a family to focus on.   Don’t expect it to come quickly or easily.

While you technically could give your ex-wife an ultimatum of ‘If you want me, you have to accept that I have a girlfriend and I’m poly’ - I think you’re smart enough to know that this won’t be healthy long term, will lead to resentments and isn’t empowering your ex-wife to express herself, her concerns and be a partner with you on this exploration.   It is however, entirely within the realm of reason to not accept a partnership with your ex-wife unless she acknowledges your poly nature, and get her agreement to keep it as an active discussion in your relationship.  It is also reasonable to  agree to  focus on each other and the family for a time period (6 months, a year.. whatever makes sense), at which time - you want to start actively exploring poly.

I know that when you’ve just discovered poly, that it’s exciting and freeing and you just want to get out there and explore it. However, this is in direct conflict of the reality of your life.

If your ex-wife is not open to polamory at all with this approach, then you have a tough decision to make if you want to continue your romantic/life partnership relationship with your ex-wife - she may simply not be the partner for you in exploring poly. Or if your family is more important and you will have to consider putting poly on hold indefinitely.

2) Exploring Polyamory

If polyamory is more important to you.. I think you know that trying to force it on your ex-wife like you have been is not going to be a smooth path.  Transitioning a formerly mono relationship to poly takes time, practice, trust and a very stable foundation.   And your relationship with your ex-wife certainly does not sound like it’s at that point.  And adding in this element of seeing your girlfriend discreetly certainly adds complexity to the situation.

If you’re not willing to do the work with your ex-wife, or she is unwilling to even consider it - it may be time to set things straight with your ex-wife going forward. I’ve known of many couples raising kids and sharing households who go this route.. and are successful with it.  And sometimes, even in time, they come back together as life/romantic partners.   So, it can be done to be a co-parent and housemate with your ex-wife and explore poly - but those must be boundaries that you and your ex-wife come together to set.  It will take you both agreeing that what you want out of life and romantic relationship are very different and incompatible right now .. and it’s best to honor that to keep harmony in the household and family.   It won’t be easy, especially since there are genuine loving feelings between you.  Just keep in mind..  love is not enough.

Or it may be that you and your wife need to on your own for a while in separate households.

I hope this has given you some things to think about.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

I’m curious about your thoughts regarding the privacy issues involved in sharing the names of previous partners. I can imagine in certain circumstances (especially if people are in the closet at work or something) that past or even current partners might prefer that you didn’t share their names with others. Do you list them by name, or is it more like “bisexual male” or something?

Signed,
-  Privacy Concerned

Dear Privacy Concerned:

I would say that since you’re only sharing the information with people you’re involved with or are considering a sexual relationship with, thus they are assumed to be trusted people - that privacy is not a huge concern. Especially since polyamory is based on openness and honesty with your partners. It’s not like a sexual history is being publicly broadcasted, a part of your online dating profiles or something you hand to everyone you meet - it’s generally a pretty screened group of individuals.

That being said, you probably should discuss this issue with anyone you’re currently in a relationship with and anyone you might consider - to make sure they’re on the same page. It might even be worthwhile checking in with past partners if you’re still in contact with them. And in some cases, especially those that integrate in more casual sexual encounters, it may make sense to refer to some sexual encounters more generally.

For my personal situation, if someone isn’t comfortable having their name on my spreadsheet for future potential partners to see.. then that’s one factor that would make them ‘not tall enough to ride this ride’, as I expect a very high degree of openness amongst my loved ones.  If someone changes their mind afterwards, I would be open to using just a first name and/or initials.  But in general my definition of openness extends to having at least the names of the people I’ve been with available to anyone considering a sexual relationship with me.

All my best,
- Serolynne

My partner and I have been theoretically polyamorous for several years now, and while neither of us has had much sexual exploration outside of our own relationship - we have both been dating over the years.  I’ve now been involved with another woman for several months whom my partner knows, respects and seems to adore.   I really love this woman, and we’re both reaching a point where we’re ready to explore our sexual connection more fully.

My partner says she is open to my girlfriend and I becoming more sexual, but isn’t quite ready to take that next step in opening up our relationship.  We’ve all updated our STD testing, have shared our sexual histories and gotten to know each other partner’s rather well. All of the typical stop holds for concerns for moving forward sexually have been addressed, but yet my partner is not yet ready.  I totally respect her comfort levels, but I am also growing frustrating awaiting her to decide she’s ready.  Right now, my girlfriend and I have left it that we’re waiting for my partner to tell us she’s ready. 

Any advice on how we can handle this?

- Anxious awaiting

Dear Anxiously awaiting -

The first time of having your partner enter into a fully sexual relationship with someone else can be a big step, and it seems you’re doing the right things in moving at a speed that is respectful to all.

From what I’m reading, it sounds like that biggest frustration on your part is not necessarily that you’re not having a full sexual relationship with your girlfriend, but rather that there’s no timeline for your partner giving her go ahead?  If that’s correct, here’s a compromise that may serve you all better.

Ask your partner to work with you to come up with a series of dates in which you’ll agree to directly check-in on this subject.  Right now, you’re basically waiting for her to bring it up when she’s ready. This doesn’t give her a timeline in which to put effort towards exploring her own trepidations, and leaves you and your girlfriend a bit hanging.  If you have dates in which you’ve both agreed to re-explore the subject, this lets you let your guard down knowing that the issue will be discussed, and your partner can’t just put the subject off (which is easy to do with subject matter that might be scary).  Note that this is not telling her that she must make a decision by a certain date, just that you’re agreeing to keep it as an open topic that you’re both actively giving consideration to.

I wish you the best,

- Serolynne

My husband and I recently got married although we’ve been together for almost 10 yrs. A little bit before we got married I started falling for a close female mutual friend of ours. Since we’ve been married my husband has now fallen for her and things have gotten heavy quickly. Recently I’ve been experiencing feelings of jealousy towards both of them and I feel bad because they’ve noticed and are now becoming uncomfortable with each other. Any suggestions on how to remedy the situation?

Thanks,
Jealous Partner

Dear Jealous Partner:

From the sounds of it, it doesn’t seem like the three of you are talking about things as openly and honestly as you could be.  My best suggestion would be for you to first of all have a conversation with your husband about his impressions of this new relationship and where he sees it going. I would then further encourage all three of you to sit down and talk very directly about the relationships and any feelings that are cropping up.

Aside from jealousy cropping up from internal insecurities, it can also come as a result of a fear of the unknown. I suspect in your case that you’re not getting enough information about what is going on from them, and they’re not hearing your concerns.  I would imagine that opening up the dialouge will go a long way to helping everyone feel more comfortable from better understanding of where your boundaries and trigger points are.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Signed,
Scared and Confused

Dear Scared and Confused:

HSV is one of those STDs that is very easily transmittable despite using barriers (condoms, dental dams, gloves) and can be spread even if there is not an active outbreak. So, there are decent odds that you could become infected as well.   Is your potential lover on any sort of treatment for his HSV outbreaks? How many outbreaks has he had? When was his first outbreak?  How aware is he of his own symptoms of an outbreak coming on (many folks with HSV know days before they start actively shedding).   These are all potential questions to ask him so you have more information to go on to make an informed decision.

I’d recommend doing some heavy research on HSV before making your decision.  Know what your risks are of actually having HSV be a problem for you - many many many people have HSV, but relatively few ever have outbreaks or more than one outbreak.  Do you have an otherwise compromised immune system?

The fact of the matter is, at least this guys knows he has HSV and can take preventative measures to help prevent you getting it. He sounds pretty responsible to be telling you about it. You can do hand-to-genital play, for instance - instead of full on PIV intercourse until you feel more comfortable with him, HSV and the relationship.  Most people assume that since they haven’t had an outbreak, that they don’t have it - when in fact, they might  just be carriers.   So you carry a pretty high chance of coming in contact with HSV in the general population.

If you think this guy has a strong potential to be a big part of your life - then consider how much the risk matters to you?  HSV is not life threatening and more of an annoyance (in comparison with other STDs, like HIV). However, it is considered a lifelong infection.   So, you will always need to disclose to future partners that you might be a carrier as a result of being sexual with him.  So, that’s something only you can determine if it’s worth the risk or not, and what this guy’s potential is in your life longer term.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Dear readers -

Sorry for the delay in posting to Ask Serolynne. I’ve been focused on getting my life back on the road to technomadism.  I should have more available time to answer questions about relationships, polyamory, sex, STDs and conscious living now.  Thanks! - Serolynne

I don’t mind if he goes out with her, but the thought of them engaging in sex which is how the herpes was transmitted makes my skin crawl. I have a compromised immune system and now the herpes has created some painful outbreaks as well as some pelvic pain and dizziness and fatigue. It doesn’t seem fair that their pleasure caused me this pain. And that their herpes is not a problem, no pain. And she has not even had an outbreak in 8 years, yet she still transmitted it to my boy friend who then gave it to me, not knowing that he just got infected.

How can I deal with this? I hesitate to say anything about my feelings to my lover as his hot button is control and I don’t want him to think that I am trying to control his behavior with her.

Thanks for any insights on this subject.

Signed,
Pissed Off

Dear Pissed Off:

Getting a STD via a partner’s other lover can feel like getting the short end of the stick, and your feelings are valid.

But, you really do need to work on getting over it. It’s life, it’s not always fair and you both choose to be polyamorous and accepted the risks associated with multiple partners. You had every opportunity before they engaged in their first sexual encounter to exchange a sexual history and health disclosure to know she had HSV (Herpes), and to take proper precautions and set limitations to limit your risk, especially knowing your compromised immune system. Unless she lied to you about her status before they got involved, there’s really not much justification for asking them to stop in my opinion.

You’re already exposed by the conscious choice you’ve all made, and them continuing their sexual relationship does not have any further physical risks to you. So, any asking for them to stop really is coming from a controlling emotional space and not from a STD safety space.

However, I do highly encourage you to discuss your feelings with your lover and her, so that he can know what you’re feeling. It doesn’t have to come from a place of a control, but rather as a place of sharing. I think you’ll find that giving them the opportunity to acknowledge your feelings will help alleviate a lot of the slighted feelings you’re having.

- Serolynne

In the last 2 months I’ve met and hit it off with a really incredible guy who knows both me and my partner already, and understands and sees himself fitting into both our lives and is comfortable with that. Everyone is happy and excited about the situation.

What I’m now struggling with is the safe sex conversation that I have to have with my new partner. Condom usage for intercourse is a given, but my partner of 4 years and I are both feeling we should set a new standard for safer sex and get all parties tested if there is a possibility for a long term relationship. I know it needs to be done, but I don’t know how to propose STD testing before we engage any further. Any stories of the ways others have dealt with this situation would be appreciated, as would any advice.

Thank you,

Excited and Trying to be Responsible

Dear Excited:

Congratulations on the new partner, and for wanting to be responsible for your health.

I typically e-mail them my most current sexual health and history spreadsheet (click for a blank copy)and ask for theirs in return. Has worked like a charm every time - tells them right up how seriously I take the subject, and creates a clear opening for having the discussion and dealing with the topic in a straightforward way.

Another fun way I have heard of people handling this is making a date to go get tested together.

I figure.. if I can’t talk to someone about sex and sexual health with them, why would I want to have sex with them anyway?

Best wishes,

- Serolynne