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Archive for the 'Safer Sex Advice' Category

Privacy Concerns with Sharing Sexual History

Published by Serolynne on February 15, 2009 in Polyamory Advice and Safer Sex Advice. Closed

Dear Serolynne:

I’m curious about your thoughts regarding the privacy issues involved in sharing the names of previous partners. I can imagine in certain circumstances (especially if people are in the closet at work or something) that past or even current partners might prefer that you didn’t share their names with others. Do you list them by name, or is it more like “bisexual male” or something?

Signed,
-  Privacy Concerned

Dear Privacy Concerned:

I would say that since you’re only sharing the information with people you’re involved with or are considering a sexual relationship with, thus they are assumed to be trusted people - that privacy is not a huge concern. Especially since polyamory is based on openness and honesty with your partners. It’s not like a sexual history is being publicly broadcasted, a part of your online dating profiles or something you hand to everyone you meet - it’s generally a pretty screened group of individuals.

That being said, you probably should discuss this issue with anyone you’re currently in a relationship with and anyone you might consider - to make sure they’re on the same page. It might even be worthwhile checking in with past partners if you’re still in contact with them. And in some cases, especially those that integrate in more casual sexual encounters, it may make sense to refer to some sexual encounters more generally.

For my personal situation, if someone isn’t comfortable having their name on my spreadsheet for future potential partners to see.. then that’s one factor that would make them ‘not tall enough to ride this ride’, as I expect a very high degree of openness amongst my loved ones.  If someone changes their mind afterwards, I would be open to using just a first name and/or initials.  But in general my definition of openness extends to having at least the names of the people I’ve been with available to anyone considering a sexual relationship with me.

All my best,
- Serolynne

He has HSV, Should I have sex with him?

Published by Serolynne on September 14, 2008 in Safer Sex Advice. Closed

Dear Serolynne,

I am in a long distance relationship and we have been dating for a while but we have yet to have sex. He recently told me that a few months prior to “us” he was infected with HSV. I am sexually attracted to him but I fear the risk of me being infected as well. I really do like him but don’t know if it is worth the risk of me getting HSV. He says he hasn’t had an outbreak since January and keeps assuring me that I will be fine but I’m scared of the possibility I won’t be. I don’t like to judge a person for their past but his past can potentially be my future. I can’t seem to find the words to tell him how I feel about this matter without hurting his feelings or making him feel bad. Since he told me he has HSV I feel different towards him and part of me doesn’t want anything to do with him. The other part of me feels he is a great person and wants to continue this relationship with him. I commend and thank him for telling me and giving me the opportunity to choose for myself, but I am still terrified.  If I do decide to stay with him what are some precautions that I can take? Do you think it is worth me risking my health for him? How do I tell him how I feel without him feeling like I’m judging him? I need helping on handling this situation and I appreciate any insights you have. Thanks!

Signed,
Scared and Confused

Dear Scared and Confused:

HSV is one of those STDs that is very easily transmittable despite using barriers (condoms, dental dams, gloves) and can be spread even if there is not an active outbreak. So, there are decent odds that you could become infected as well.   Is your potential lover on any sort of treatment for his HSV outbreaks? How many outbreaks has he had? When was his first outbreak?  How aware is he of his own symptoms of an outbreak coming on (many folks with HSV know days before they start actively shedding).   These are all potential questions to ask him so you have more information to go on to make an informed decision.

I’d recommend doing some heavy research on HSV before making your decision.  Know what your risks are of actually having HSV be a problem for you - many many many people have HSV, but relatively few ever have outbreaks or more than one outbreak.  Do you have an otherwise compromised immune system?

The fact of the matter is, at least this guys knows he has HSV and can take preventative measures to help prevent you getting it. He sounds pretty responsible to be telling you about it. You can do hand-to-genital play, for instance - instead of full on PIV intercourse until you feel more comfortable with him, HSV and the relationship.  Most people assume that since they haven’t had an outbreak, that they don’t have it - when in fact, they might  just be carriers.   So you carry a pretty high chance of coming in contact with HSV in the general population.

If you think this guy has a strong potential to be a big part of your life - then consider how much the risk matters to you?  HSV is not life threatening and more of an annoyance (in comparison with other STDs, like HIV). However, it is considered a lifelong infection.   So, you will always need to disclose to future partners that you might be a carrier as a result of being sexual with him.  So, that’s something only you can determine if it’s worth the risk or not, and what this guy’s potential is in your life longer term.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Dear readers -

Sorry for the delay in posting to Ask Serolynne. I’ve been focused on getting my life back on the road to technomadism.  I should have more available time to answer questions about relationships, polyamory, sex, STDs and conscious living now.  Thanks! - Serolynne

Anger over a STD from a partner’s lover

Published by Serolynne on June 14, 2008 in Polyamory Advice and Safer Sex Advice. Closed

Dear Serolynne:
I just found your website and have a question about how to deal with anger regarding getting an STD from my lover’s other girlfriend.

I don’t mind if he goes out with her, but the thought of them engaging in sex which is how the herpes was transmitted makes my skin crawl. I have a compromised immune system and now the herpes has created some painful outbreaks as well as some pelvic pain and dizziness and fatigue. It doesn’t seem fair that their pleasure caused me this pain. And that their herpes is not a problem, no pain. And she has not even had an outbreak in 8 years, yet she still transmitted it to my boy friend who then gave it to me, not knowing that he just got infected.

How can I deal with this? I hesitate to say anything about my feelings to my lover as his hot button is control and I don’t want him to think that I am trying to control his behavior with her.

Thanks for any insights on this subject.

Signed,
Pissed Off

Dear Pissed Off:

Getting a STD via a partner’s other lover can feel like getting the short end of the stick, and your feelings are valid.

But, you really do need to work on getting over it. It’s life, it’s not always fair and you both choose to be polyamorous and accepted the risks associated with multiple partners. You had every opportunity before they engaged in their first sexual encounter to exchange a sexual history and health disclosure to know she had HSV (Herpes), and to take proper precautions and set limitations to limit your risk, especially knowing your compromised immune system. Unless she lied to you about her status before they got involved, there’s really not much justification for asking them to stop in my opinion.

You’re already exposed by the conscious choice you’ve all made, and them continuing their sexual relationship does not have any further physical risks to you. So, any asking for them to stop really is coming from a controlling emotional space and not from a STD safety space.

However, I do highly encourage you to discuss your feelings with your lover and her, so that he can know what you’re feeling. It doesn’t have to come from a place of a control, but rather as a place of sharing. I think you’ll find that giving them the opportunity to acknowledge your feelings will help alleviate a lot of the slighted feelings you’re having.

- Serolynne

How to have ‘The Conversation’

Published by Serolynne on June 6, 2008 in Polyamory Advice and Safer Sex Advice. Closed

Dear Serolynne:

In the last 2 months I’ve met and hit it off with a really incredible guy who knows both me and my partner already, and understands and sees himself fitting into both our lives and is comfortable with that. Everyone is happy and excited about the situation.

What I’m now struggling with is the safe sex conversation that I have to have with my new partner. Condom usage for intercourse is a given, but my partner of 4 years and I are both feeling we should set a new standard for safer sex and get all parties tested if there is a possibility for a long term relationship. I know it needs to be done, but I don’t know how to propose STD testing before we engage any further. Any stories of the ways others have dealt with this situation would be appreciated, as would any advice.

Thank you,

Excited and Trying to be Responsible

Dear Excited:

Congratulations on the new partner, and for wanting to be responsible for your health.

I typically e-mail them my most current sexual health and history spreadsheet (click for a blank copy)and ask for theirs in return. Has worked like a charm every time - tells them right up how seriously I take the subject, and creates a clear opening for having the discussion and dealing with the topic in a straightforward way.

Another fun way I have heard of people handling this is making a date to go get tested together.

I figure.. if I can’t talk to someone about sex and sexual health with them, why would I want to have sex with them anyway?

Best wishes,

- Serolynne

STD Concerns as an Excuse

Published by Serolynne on March 17, 2008 in Polyamory Advice and Safer Sex Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serolynne:

My wife and I are both exploring polyamory, however she tends to be a bit more jealous and insecure. We’re both quite concerned about STDs and always use protection and proceed cautiously when having sexual encounters with others. I’m seeing a new woman, and I’d really like to become more involved with her. But my partner is not responding very well to it. I feel she’s using risks of STDs to thwart my relationship instead of dealing with any jealousy she might be experiencing. How do I get my partner to let me have sex with my new love interest?

- Ready to get it on

Dear Ready to get it on :

STDs are a reality that all sexually active folks have to contend with. You didn’t mention how long you’ve been seeing this new woman, but maybe it’s going too fast for your wife to come up to speed with. Have they met and had the opportunity to spend time getting to know each other? By allowing your wife to become comfortable with your new sweetie, you give them both a chance to build respect for each other. Also, have you done a full sexual health and history exchange with this new potential partner? Having real risk factors to evaluate may be helpful for all involved.

Your wife may also be feeling that this new woman does present increased risk factors sexually. While STD concerns shouldn’t be used to cover up dealing with jealousy, they are a serious issue to address upfront. Your wife has a responsibilty to herself to protect her health and know what risks she’s taking on. However, it is also possible that little red and yellow flags of jealousy are cropping up as STD concerns. Use this opportunity to fully discuss any concerns your wife has about this new potential sweetie, and you may find that giving her space to express her concerns goes a long way to bridging the unknown.

Best wishes,
- Serolynne

Dating with a STD - What’s my responsibility?

Published by Serolynne on January 25, 2008 in Relationship Advice and Safer Sex Advice. 0 Comments

Dear Serloynne:

I’m a single female who has HPV and I’m dating. I found a very nice guy but it very quickly turned into a nightmare leaving me feeling terrible. I did talk to this guy about my STD but didn’t specify it as HPV. When we decided to get intimate one day, he proved with reports he was STD free as he works in health care and he gets tested every 4 months.

I did try to insist we used condoms but he said condoms don’t work for him and I should trust him since he gets tested every 4 months. And in the heat of the moment, we had unprotected sex. And somehow after the deed I mentioned what I had was HPV. He was pissed off naturally but it didn’t stop him from JUMPING ME A SECOND TIME. Then he cussed me out totally the next day. Turning the tables on me, he said I never told him I had ANY STD. Yes, it’s my fault and it’s my duty, responsibility not to spread it. I can’t stop beating myself up for it now & I’m depressed all over again. It’s really taunting me that I have effectively ruined somebody’s life.

Any advice how I can get over this?

- Moxy

Dear Moxy:

Yes, it’s true you should have told him upfront about the HPV. However, you did disclose you had a STD and he’s the one who foolishly insisted on getting sexual without condoms without first getting your test results too. If he was so concerned about not being exposed to STDs, then why doesn’t he insist on getting current test results from his potential partners like he provides them? Something smells fishy to me about that. So basically.. yes, you could have been more upfront, could have refused sex without a condom (not that it would have totally protected him) -.but he also bears a LOT of responsibility here for his own actions and insistence. We each are responsible for the choices we make, and he was irresponsible to his own health by not asking questions of you. So please don’t beat yourself up too much over this. Learn from the lesson to be more upfront in the future, and also realize that there are no approved tests for men for HPV, so they can’t prove to you that they’re totally STD-free.


I can tell you that dating with HPV - you will find some people who are ignorant about it and mishear it as HIV or HSV, or not even realize that they probably already have a strain of HPV. But by and large, most people I’ve encountered would be happy to date me even with my HPV status. I’m usually the one skeptical - as I don’t want to be exposed to a new strain of the virus and make my situation worse. But yes, there are people that I really click with and see long term potential with - and the risks of exposure are worth the while. The key is.. be upfront about your situation (and check them out too.. have any of their female partners had abnormal PAP smears recently?), take things slow and get to know each other before getting too sexual.

Enjoy the foreplay, suspense, romance and build up.. and make sure this is someone who will really be there for you and not just someone interested in getting in your pants.

Best wishes,

- Serolynne







							
 

		
 

	
		
		

			

				
Should I just date other people with HPV?


				

					
						Published by Serolynne  on January 20, 2008					

					
						in Safer Sex Advice.					

					1 Comment
					
									
 
			
 

			

				
Dear Serolynne:


 I’m a 24 year old girl, and I just recently had an abnormal PAP smear (LGSIL) and a positive high risk HPV test result.  I’m single and I’d really like to not remain that way, but I also don’t want to pass this virus to other people. Should I just date other people who also have HPV to be on the safe side?


Thanks,

Doesn’t want to be alone


Dear Doesn’t want to be alone,


While with some STDs, it can be beneficial to date other’s with the same diagnosis, HPV is generally not one of those. Particularly not the high risk kind that can increase your chances of cervical cancer. The reason being is that there are about 15 different strains of the HPV virus that can aid cervical cancer.  Infection with multiple strains can tax your immune system and might actually make things worse.  So, unless you know what strain of HPV you have, and what strain your potential dating partner has - then there’s really no way to know for sure that you both have the same exact strain of HPV.  Testing for specific strains is a rarity, so most people only know if they’ve had a positive HPV result.  Also, keep in mind that there is no approved or reliable test for HPV in men.


So no, I would not recommend specificallly seeking out others with HPV.  Instead, seek out partners who are aware of HPV, know the current status of their recent partners (ie. have any of the women in their sexual network had an abnormal PAP smear?) and are people interested in your for the longer term. I’ve typically found that when looking at potential longer term relationships, that my potential partners have not been overly concerned that they may be exposed to the HPV virus by me.  Just take things slow, be upfront about the risks and make sure the risk of potential exposure is worth it.


Best wishes,

- Serolynne


Note: I am not a medical expert, and the above should not be taken as medical advice.  


							
 

		
 

	
		
		

			

				
Fear of spreading warts keeps young man single


				

					
						Published by Serolynne  on December 28, 2007					

					
						in Safer Sex Advice.					

					0 Comments
					
									
 
			
 

			

				
 Dear Serolynne,  


I have recently come across your website, while getting some information on HPV. I’m a 24 yeas old male, and I was diagnosed with genital warts and had them frozen off  and all was fine, however I was pretty upset about it.


When I got to the clinic I was relieved, not only where the doctors and nurses fantastic but they made the whole thing calm down in my head. They said that condoms do not protect you fully against HPV and the  only protection was to not have sex, but said not to worry and once the warts where removed to continue with sex normally. I got some cream to apply, and after 3 or 4 days I found the warts had gone.


This all happened over about 2 years, and I had 1 partner during this time, and we tried to be safe as possible.


However that relationship ended, and even though I havent had a relapse  I am now emotionally torn.  I cant be in a relationship, I havent told anyone close to me about it (except my ex), and now I just dont see how I can have a normal healthy relationship. I am trying, or more forcing myself to come to the conclusion that I will need to be single for the  rest of my life, and I know this is silly, but I dont want to do to a girl what you have been through.


I want to thank you for your story and information, it does help to read such open and honest information.


Regards,

Concerned  


Dear Concerned:


Thanks for sharing your story as well.


However, I don’t think you need to worry at all about ‘putting a girl through what I went through.’  The strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer and abnormal PAPs are NOT the same strains that you had that caused warts.


Warts are annoying little beasts for sure..  but they aren’t really a huge medical concern and won’t threaten your life or your partner’s.  At worst, a girl you date might get warts (although, unlikely, given you haven’t had a relapse in a long while..  and that only 9% of people exposed to HPV ever get symptoms anyway).  And at worst, she uses cream and might have them taken off like you did. They’d probably be external, and they won’t be a serious threat to her health.


The HPV strands to worry about for women are the ‘high risk’ ones that infect the cervix subclinically.. they’re the ones that can lead to cervical cancer if not treated. And you don’t have evidence of having one of those strains. (And if you did, you likely wouldn’t know it unless you had a partner come back with an abnormal PAP.)


So..  go live life. Don’t let silly little warts hold ya down.  Life is too short as is and you’re young.. and there are too many things that really can threaten your life to worry about.  Embrace love and sex (just pre-disclose your history.. as anyone should before having sex..  you’ll find you’re not that uncommon at all.. 80% of people you encounter have been exposed to HPV) when you can.  And, encourage your future partners to look into getting the HPV Vaccine, which will help protect them against the  most common strains of HPV, including possibly even the one you dealt with.


Have fun out there.


- Serolynne


Disclosure: I am not a medical professional, and the above should not be taken as medical advice. I’m simply a HPV patient myself who has done her homework and is sharing her personal opinion.