Dear Serolynne:
My partner and I have been theoretically polyamorous for several years now, and while neither of us has had much sexual exploration outside of our own relationship - we have both been dating over the years. I’ve now been involved with another woman for several months whom my partner knows, respects and seems to adore. I really love this woman, and we’re both reaching a point where we’re ready to explore our sexual connection more fully.
My partner says she is open to my girlfriend and I becoming more sexual, but isn’t quite ready to take that next step in opening up our relationship. We’ve all updated our STD testing, have shared our sexual histories and gotten to know each other partner’s rather well. All of the typical stop holds for concerns for moving forward sexually have been addressed, but yet my partner is not yet ready. I totally respect her comfort levels, but I am also growing frustrating awaiting her to decide she’s ready. Right now, my girlfriend and I have left it that we’re waiting for my partner to tell us she’s ready.
Any advice on how we can handle this?
- Anxious awaiting
Dear Anxiously awaiting -
The first time of having your partner enter into a fully sexual relationship with someone else can be a big step, and it seems you’re doing the right things in moving at a speed that is respectful to all.
From what I’m reading, it sounds like that biggest frustration on your part is not necessarily that you’re not having a full sexual relationship with your girlfriend, but rather that there’s no timeline for your partner giving her go ahead? If that’s correct, here’s a compromise that may serve you all better.
Ask your partner to work with you to come up with a series of dates in which you’ll agree to directly check-in on this subject. Right now, you’re basically waiting for her to bring it up when she’s ready. This doesn’t give her a timeline in which to put effort towards exploring her own trepidations, and leaves you and your girlfriend a bit hanging. If you have dates in which you’ve both agreed to re-explore the subject, this lets you let your guard down knowing that the issue will be discussed, and your partner can’t just put the subject off (which is easy to do with subject matter that might be scary). Note that this is not telling her that she must make a decision by a certain date, just that you’re agreeing to keep it as an open topic that you’re both actively giving consideration to.
I wish you the best,
- Serolynne
Dear Serolynne,
I’m relationshipless right now, and I miss sex. For serious romantic relationships, I have very high standards and haven’t yet found anyone around I have the right connection with. However, I do have a couple of friends I’d be ok with “messing around” sexually with. If I were to try casual sex, I’d make sure to be absolutely sure to be clear on what it meant and what it didn’t mean, and all that, and I’d be careful about STDs and pregnancy and such. The bottom line: I’ve never had sex outside of a serious relationship before. Can it work? Are there specific things that are important to know or watch out for? Can it be rewarding? And how do you go about bringing it up?
-Horny and Single
Dear Horny and Single:
Yes, intentional casual sex can work and be rewarding. Just keep it all in perspective, be clear about the emotional boundaries and intents with the people you pursue this with. Both with yourself, and with them. Also be sure where your risk tolerance level is for STDs, and don’t be afraid to have clear physical boundaries for situations that may not meet your standards. For instance, you may find that given one person’s situation you may feel that penetrative intercourse with a condom is a reasonable risk, but with another going beyond manual play may not be.
The things to watch out for might include:
- Sex and orgasm can trigger brain chemistry to a point where someone you were intending a casual sexual relationship with may seem to be a more intense emotional connection or attachment. Being in a single space, be very cautious with your emotional boundaries. That’s not to say that someone you enter into a casual sexual encounter with may not turn out to be someone you want to pursue a more serious relationship with, just don’t allow your brain chemistry to fool you and second guess yourself. This is especially true for someone who has not explored sex outside of serious relationship, you already have that pattern to break.
- Just because it’s casual sex, does not mean that doing a basic sexual history exchange and test results exchange is out of the question. And it does not mean that it has to be with strangers or be more anonymous either. Stick with what you are comfortable with, and make those decisions as to where your boundaries are while you are not in the heat of the moment.
- Try to think a little forward and the impacts that your casual sex phase may have on future serious relationships. If you do a sexual history exchange in the future, you will need to include all of your encounters, and depending on who you’re pursuing relationship with, your history may impact how they approach you sexually. Be ok with that before you pursue casual sex. Also be aware that HPV is one of those STDs that is difficult for males to be tested for, can transmit regardless of barrier use, can lead to oral cancers, as well as increase a woman’s risk of cervical cancer. Casual sexual encounter will likely increase your odds of encountering at least one strain, given that 80% of the population has been exposed at one point, and 20-25% has a currently contagious infection.
- Existing friends, unless there is already a flirtatious nature or previous open door, may be difficult to convert from friendship to casual sex buddy. You know the personalities and situations of your friend’s best, and who might be approachable about this. Just be aware that adding in a sexual element can impact the friendship.. so be cautious here, and only bring it up with people you suspect would be open to this.
As for how to bring it up.. that will likely vary by person. In general, avoid coming off as desperate. I’d recommend opening up general dialog with the friends you’re interested in, update yourself on their current life and update them on yours. When you get to the part that you’re missing sex and are considering pursuing more of a ‘friends with benefits’ sort of deal, you’ve now opened the door for them to respond if they might be interested in this. If they don’t, perhaps asking them if it’s something they’ve ever considered (not specifically with you, but in general). At least get the topic in that direction and see where it leads.
Best wishes,
- Serolynne
