Ask Serolynne - Advice on Relationships, Polyamory, Sex, STDs and Conscious Living

I’m finding myself generally uninterested in answering questions and giving advice to strangers on the same old relationship problems via this forum. Polyamory just isn’t playing that much of a role in my personal life which further aids to my disinterest in a stranger’s poly problems.

So, if you have question for me..  please save us both the time by not writing me a long description of what is going on in your life - cuz frankly, unless I know you personally - I really don’t care.  And no matter how many words you write me, there’s no way I can fully grok what is going on for you and your unique situation.

Instead, choose one of the following responses which is likely what I’d reply with anyway:

1) Get over it already - try *talking* about it with your partner(s). Asking some stranger on the internet isn’t going to solve the problem. The only person who can solve the problem is YOU.

2) Get over it already - life is too short to wallow in self pity. Ask for what you want in your relationships and life, and don’t settle for less.  Value yourself, and others will value you.   If your needs aren’t getting met and you’ve tried asking for them, move on.

3) Get over it already - take responsibility for your actions, reactions and for your health.

If you can’t get over it.. please turn to a trusted friend who knows you better for reflection back.. or better yet, seek professional help. Seriously.

Dear Serolynne:

 I’ve been involved with my partner for almost 10 years, and I have been dating another guy who lives with us for a little over a year now.  The three of us have gotten along fabulously as housemates, and the relationships have been mostly comfortable. The three of us are fluid bonded, and I thought we were all on the same page about safer sex and the practices we would have with others.   But now I’m heart broken - as my shorter term boyfriend went to a masturbation club last weekend, and ended up having protected intercourse with two different women.  This is totally outside of both my expectations for him attending a masturbation group (I thought no sex would be occurring), and outside the parameters of what I thought our agreements were. 

My boyfriend tells me that he thought that being in a polyamorous relationship and my agreeing to him checking out the club is justification enough for the encounters he had - especially since he wasn’t intending to pursue relationships with the women.  

Is there any hope for this?  I feel that even if he gets tested for all STDs, that resuming an intimate relationship with him may not be workable for me.

Thanks,
- Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken:

To me it sounds like you and your boyfriend are on very different pages and stages of life and relationship desires. I’d be curious to know how mutual your safer sex agreements where, or if he was just agreeing to what you were asking for at the time. I’ve personally found a big difference when negotiating boundaries with people when we’re all individually on similar pages, than when there might be bigger divides and we’re actually negotiating a compromise for all.  When your own internal boundaries are generally in line with the boundaries of the group, then it’s so much easier to stick to the boundaries because it’s more like following your natural instincts than consciously keeping agreements in mind all of the time that may sometimes seem limiting.

I suspect your boyfriend is in a much more exploratory space than you and are your partner are, and that his desires right now may not be in line with what you want out of relationship.  I think your intuition is likely on target - that resuming a relationship with him at this point may be difficult unless you both can find ways to honor both of the places you’re at. And this can be difficult if one partner is not willing to take on a higher STD risk factor, and the other is in a more exploratory space.

And of course, any hope of finding a balance in this would have to come after healing the violation of trust that you may be feeling of having your agreements broken in the heat of the moment.  Polyamory is not a free license to have sex with whomever you want whenever you want, unless that is a specifically negotiated element of your relationships.

Best wishes,

- Serolynne