Dear Serolynne
I am a 39 yr old professional straight guy. I have two kids and an ex-wife. We ended up in a divorce a year and a half ago due to a variety of reasons including me outgrowing her and different social viewpoints. We were able to get back on friendly terms, and for the well being of our kids, decided to move our family back together again in one house - with us being co-parents.
While we were divorced, I stumbled across a local Polyamory group and have realized that I am polyamorous in my approach to life. I also started seeing another women who I’ve quite come to adore and love. And then my ex-wife and I started becoming more loving towards each other - and have even started sharing a bedroom again. I do love her. I recently tried explaining to her that I am polyamorous and would like for her to know that I can love more than one person including her. My girlfriend knows about my ex-wife and I, however, my ex-wife does not know about my girlfriend as she refuses to listen to me and says that she wants me to be hers only.
She even threatens to make my life a misery if she finds out that I have another love in my life. I currently have to meet my girlfriend discreetly for fear of my ex-wife finding out. To me this cheating and I don’t know how to correct the situation. I would really like to be honest to my ex-wife if only I could make my ex-wife understand how I feel deep inside and let her know that I will always love her as we share conversation,emotions, two growing kids, a house, cars, food, bedroom and my finances.
What have I done wrong and how can I correct it??
Regards,
Unhappy
Dear Unhappy,
So, where you could averted a lot of this is at the point when your wife switched from being a housemate to being a lover again. You were already involved with your girlfriend, and you should have told your ex-wife about her *before* you invited her back into your bedroom. At this point, you could have let her know of the change in your life, how you’ve come to appreciate her again and value her. It would have brought her into the process as a partner in this situation, and would have been the most ethical and honest way to handle things.
However, since you did not and allowed her to move back into the role of wife/partner in your life with no other information to the contrary - you essentially gave her the impression that you were entering back into a monogamous partnership with her again. So it is completely understandable that she is now upset you’ve been considering polyamory.
As you are currently seeing your girlfriend discreetly behind your ex-wives back and against her known wishes - you are correct in your feeling that it is cheating and unethical.
I think the question you need ask yourself right now is.. what is your priority right now?
1) Rebuilding your family with your ex-wife:
What I’d recommend is that you quit seeing your girlfriend .. for now. While it’s unfair to your girlfriend, as she started seeing you while you were available - you have chosen to re-explore things with your ex-wife, life partner, mother of your children, etc. If bringing your family back together again in a healthy way is important to you - then, it seems this is where your focus should be. Trying to switch your relationship model over to polyamory at the same time may be too much to handle all at once.
However, I would highly recommend that in rebuilding your life with your ex-wife, that you specifically talk about polyamory and how you want to include it in your life together.. eventually. You need to let her know about your girlfriend and that you are willing to put your relationship with your girlfriend on hold while you focus on her - be very upfront about having been seeing your girlfriend however. Start things off with as much openness and honesty as possible, and build the trust and partnership together that you will need to make polyamory successful. You have a lot of trust rebuilding to accomplish here, and a family to focus on. Don’t expect it to come quickly or easily.
While you technically could give your ex-wife an ultimatum of ‘If you want me, you have to accept that I have a girlfriend and I’m poly’ - I think you’re smart enough to know that this won’t be healthy long term, will lead to resentments and isn’t empowering your ex-wife to express herself, her concerns and be a partner with you on this exploration. It is however, entirely within the realm of reason to not accept a partnership with your ex-wife unless she acknowledges your poly nature, and get her agreement to keep it as an active discussion in your relationship. It is also reasonable to agree to focus on each other and the family for a time period (6 months, a year.. whatever makes sense), at which time - you want to start actively exploring poly.
I know that when you’ve just discovered poly, that it’s exciting and freeing and you just want to get out there and explore it. However, this is in direct conflict of the reality of your life.
If your ex-wife is not open to polamory at all with this approach, then you have a tough decision to make if you want to continue your romantic/life partnership relationship with your ex-wife - she may simply not be the partner for you in exploring poly. Or if your family is more important and you will have to consider putting poly on hold indefinitely.
2) Exploring Polyamory
If polyamory is more important to you.. I think you know that trying to force it on your ex-wife like you have been is not going to be a smooth path. Transitioning a formerly mono relationship to poly takes time, practice, trust and a very stable foundation. And your relationship with your ex-wife certainly does not sound like it’s at that point. And adding in this element of seeing your girlfriend discreetly certainly adds complexity to the situation.
If you’re not willing to do the work with your ex-wife, or she is unwilling to even consider it - it may be time to set things straight with your ex-wife going forward. I’ve known of many couples raising kids and sharing households who go this route.. and are successful with it. And sometimes, even in time, they come back together as life/romantic partners. So, it can be done to be a co-parent and housemate with your ex-wife and explore poly - but those must be boundaries that you and your ex-wife come together to set. It will take you both agreeing that what you want out of life and romantic relationship are very different and incompatible right now .. and it’s best to honor that to keep harmony in the household and family. It won’t be easy, especially since there are genuine loving feelings between you. Just keep in mind.. love is not enough.
Or it may be that you and your wife need to on your own for a while in separate households.
I hope this has given you some things to think about.
Best wishes,
- Serolynne