Dear Serolynne:
I left my husband of 18 years almost two years ago. In those two years, I have become extremely close to my best friend of about five years, seeing her everyday, talking to her at least two times a day on the phone and she and her husband even invited me to go to on vacation with them. It even has gotten to the point, I really don’t have any other friends but her. I would rather sit at her house and talk with her than go to a bar. My family is estranged and growing up with abusers, I didn’t have that bond. I embraced the acceptance I got from my friend and her family.
Four months ago, she seduced me and I wasn’t an unwilling partner. She told me it would never happen again, it was wrong. I was a little taken aback, feeling it wasn’t wrong, but at this point, she tells me what she wants from me and I’m subservient. The second time it happened, she invited Bill, her husband to join us. I was even more leery that time, but figured it was her call.
When she has had a couple of drinks, she says when she dies, she wants me to be her husband’s partner and tells him that she and I love each other and love him, stuff like that. I don’t have any feelings for this man, other than a deep fondness as a friend. I have an annoying habit of doing what she tells me and saying things I think she wants to hear.
About a month and a half ago, she called me and we talked a long time. Yes, we both had been drinking. I was rambling on how I didn’t need a man in my life, I was happy were I was. She said, all you need is Bill, and thinking we on the ‘when I die’ subject, agreed with her. She told me she didn’t trust me alone with Bill anymore. I tried to explain that I don’t want Bill, but she won’t listen.
Our friendship is rather distant at this point. She talks to me when I call her and only if she wants to, otherwise she tells me she’s busy and hangs up. I messed up so terribly bad. I’m losing my best friend. I don’t know how to fix it. I want my best friend back, I don’t want to end it like this, or end it at all, I want it to be like it was six months ago before all of this took place. I don’t know how to make it right.
Dear Confused and Hurt:
I think there are a few things at play here:
1) You seem to have some sort of addiction to this woman that makes it difficult for you to function without her guidance. It may be a combination of being limerent towards her, as well as some sort of co-dependency combined with your submissive nature. Either way, the feelings you have for her have not been manifested in healthy ways.
2) Your friend may have problems with alcohol, in which she pushed beyond her own personal boundaries while under the influence, and then regrets the decisions after she sobers up. Unfortunately, you have been caught up in her games and hurt in the process. Perhaps her husband has expressed wishes in the past to have the involvement of another women in their marriage, and this is her way of feeling things out to see if she’s able to handle them. Apparently, she is not totally comfortable with it and not secure in her relationship with her husband in such a way that she can share him if she feels any sense of threat from the other woman. And whether or not you actually present a threat is besides the point to her, she’s going to see it because that’s specifically what she is most afraid of and is thus on the lookout for.
3) You really need to develop more of a social life. Having a wider circle of friends will really go a long way towards easing the pain of the loss of this friendship as well as giving you multiple outlets in the future for your social life. Find groups and clubs for people who share some of your interests, and get out there making friends. Perhaps volunteering for a campaign of a favored political candidate or a local charity that resonates with you. Or if you have interest in pursuing multiple relationships in healthy ways, find your closest polyamory and/or bi discussion group and get involved.
4) You may want to consider seeing a professional therapist to deal with the past pains of abuse from your childhood which is holding you back from having healthy and equal relationships.
Without knowing what is really inside of your friend’s head that is causing her to react this way, it is my best intuition that until she can deal with whatever her own personal problems are in her marriage, that you may be without the closeness of your friend for a while. It’s probably best to let her know that you will always be there for her, and then be prepared to move on until she’s ready. It’s unfortunate for you, as you really haven’t done anything wrong other than blindly following her lead and trusting that she was inviting you into her life in ways that were comfortable for her.
Best wishes to you,
- Serolynne